We often met in dreams--you and I.
At first, I thought you were just a random person meant to appear temporarily in one of my dream. But I was proven wrong when I saw you the next night-- and the night after it...
and the night after...
It felt like magic whenever I opened my eyes in dreamland, for you were always there,
waiting for me at the beach--a beautiful emerald beach where the sun was setting and the lovely moon was already gracing the horizon--a still picture that never changed whenever we would meet.
From the moment that we laid our eyes on each other, we were instantly embraced by a strong sense of familiarity; it was as if I had known you all my life,
and meeting you was like a reunion with a close friend whom I hadn't seen for a long time.
During our encounters, the first thing that you liked to do was flash your gorgeous smile and kind eyes while calling my name, ushering me to come closer.
It was very endearing how you never failed to utter my name so sweetly, that I couldn't always help but mirrored your expression.
And did I already mentioned how captivated I was by your bright eyes? Oh, those eyes that always lit up, like gazillion of stars were kept inside it and you were the universe that held it all.
Our routine was like this: me, waiting for you or you, waiting for me at that beach--our beach. We would stroll along the shore, barefooted, while sharing bits of our days to one another.
Our conversation was warm and light, and no awkward air ever enveloped us. As we grew tired of walking, we would always sat near the water, still talking and basking in each other's presence.
As days passed, our connection got stronger. We became close and intimate.
We grew fond of cuddling under a yellow parasol that was placed feets away from the water; talking, laughing, and stealing kisses on cheeks.
Me, stroking your hair, while you were playing with my other hand as you used my lap as your pillow. Teasing me had become your habit; making faces to you was mine.
On seldom occasions, you would suddenly pull me up from my seat, grab my waist and slowly sway into the beat of crashing waves.
We would rock our heals back and forth, gliding sideways while stifling our laughter and pretending to be dancing in the middle of a grand hall.
Those moments were truly blissful and euphoric, making me not wanting to end it. Everything was fun, loving, and perfect when I was with you.
We never knew back then that we were in the middle of the calm before the storm.
One dream night--a night that I can still vividly remember--you called for me like you usually did; flashing your excited smile, you asked me to come close while shouting my name.
I immediately felt the warmth that you radiated.
You were saying something but I couldn't hear anything right where I was standing, so I decided to not waste any more second and head your way.
But as I was taking my steps toward you, I was suddenly struck by a frightening feeling that was all too familiar.
Out of nowhere, all of my repressed fears and doubts about myself, came crashing all at once.
It was as if the sound around me faded into nothing and the sudden eerie silence taunted me into madness. Dark clouds loomed over me, as negative thoughts seeped into my veins.
My mind chanted words that reduce my whole being to tears. As much I tried to ignore those sinister whispers, horror won't stop enveloping my existence; my breath, too, got heavier and heavier.
"A person like you don't deserve to be happy. Deluding yourself, thinking that you are loved. You must be kidding me."
My body froze. I couldn't take another step toward you any longer.
You began shouting things but it was all muted to me. Tears then started streaming down your face and you looked straight into my eyes, pleading me to come. I felt helpless.
My visions got blurry by thick waters.
I didn't want to hurt you any longer.
I turned away from you even though my heart longed to be with you, for I did not want you to see my jaded self and for you not to be dragged into the void with me, and be eaten by my own demons.
I woke up the next day to a complete darkness; no sound was heard except from the quiet hum of the AC in my room.
Loneliness hugged me and though I did not want to succumb, I hugged it back due to its familiarity.
I know, I shouldn't have gotten used to it as I already overcame it long before, forgotten its existence even when I was spending my time with you,
but my heavy heart searched for something to hold onto, and it was the first thing that offered me what I had asked for.
I walked in my waking life like a zombie for days, still thinking about the decision that I had made in my dream.
I clearly could not forget the look on your face; your once bright eyes that were filled with stars gradually lost its life and your ever mesmerizing smile turned the bluest of blue.
It was really agonizing, seeing you like that. Your tear-stricken face made me want to run to you, but my shadow self chained and caged me, thus running to your side was a lost cause for me.
Days were spent with me pondering my self worth.
After that unforgettable night, I still dreamed about the beach... but you were no longer there. I tried to call your name and searched for you, but you were nowhere to be found.
I would spend a lot of time sitting under the yellow parasol but you never came.
I wanted to turn back the time and not be eaten by wicked things that were dwelling inside my mind. I wanted to restore our precious moments together and relive it again and again.
As I was drowning in my self-inflicted agony, the rain unexpectedly started pouring heavily for the first time in that dream, obscuring the view of the sea, the setting sun, and the moon.
With my eyes closed, I let every droplet of rain hit me. After minutes of stillness, I slowly started swaying my body to the beat of the rain hitting the sand like drums.
I tried to reminisce how we goofily danced around until our feet ached.
I tried to remember how it felt being with you-- how we laughed and cried while recounting events that happened in our lives or just messing with each other.
Moments passed and the rain gradually stopped, leaving a bit of fog.
The surrounding that had a warmth ambiance turned into a cold place; the mist from the rain turned our happy space into somber, deserted beach.
I was welcomed by the presence of the enchanting moon when I had opened my eyes.
But why did the once luminescent moon seemed lonely and crying? At that moment, all I wanted was to become a star that would forever accompany the melancholic moon.
As I could not undo my choices back then, all I could do right now is to wish to see you again. To hope that someday, I'll see you once more at our beach, smiling and ever so welcoming.
To not be crippled by fears and let myself freely express my love and be loved.
When that day comes, I will not hesitate even for a second and I will run towards you, with feet still wet from the shore, like my life depends on it.
I will hug you tight, look you in the eyes, and say, "I missed you" a hundredth times. And when that moment happens, I still hope that you could hug me back.
When that day comes, I will once again paint a smile on your face under our purple pink sky.
We may be miles away from each other--in dream world and who knows, maybe in real life, too--but please do remember that not a day goes by where I don't think of you.
I may have no idea where you currently are and what you are doing right now, but I will not stop walking on our beach, trailing your long-gone footprints,
hoping that one day we'll walk again side by side.
Forever and a day, my heart is
STILL WITH YOU.
End. (Thank you for reading!)