April Showers -sv
April Showers

-sv secondchance stories
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overoscillate
overoscillate “...& i cant deny your eyes...”
Autoplay OFF   •   2 years ago
Timing is everything...or is it?

April Showers -sv

We were daydreaming of a future...

Talking about the life we wanted to share with each other...

The ways we wanted to love each other and grow with one another...

This was the right time for us. We were sure if it!

But it wasn’t, was it...

“Look out there. What do you see?” I asked quietly. “I see a yard, grass, a fire pit...some trees?” He said. His tone almost questioning his response. “But see,” I continued, “that’s what I want to see...

...I want to see what is just there. I want it to be that simple.”

Instead, I see the place at the door where the cherry stained deck once stood. The very deck that held me as I laid in the rubble from my own collapse.

When I look out onto the grass I don’t see lush green blades. I see a foundation that caught me as I ran out of the house feeling suffocated.

Oh, and the trees. The trees in the yard that were supposed to produce the oxygen. The oxygen to fill my lungs as I tried so hard to remember to inhale and exhale.

When I look to the corner I see not just a fire pit. I see a shallow stone wall encircling a grave. The grave that took all my memories and lifted them from here on Earth to a place where I’d never get to see them again.

When I remember the flames, which used to symbolize warmth and relaxation, all I remember is watching them flicker as they engulfed the sweater I wore to honor our time together.

After it was turned into Polyester confetti I can still remember the laughter and joy my friends received from throwing the symbol I think they despised more than I onto the embers.

I may have lost the only tangible reminder I had left that night...

...but what I received were the cuts my heart would now keep by turning each one into a painful scar with every sound of ripping fabric as I dropped to my knees, head in my hands, tears streaming so fast I couldn’t catch them.

I remember their taste though. The salt. I couldn’t see through the tears. I Couldn’t hear anything anymore either. Not clearly, anyways. It was all a muffled mess.

But what I could hear was all of the things you had said to me. Torture to my mind. Resounding like a track on repeat with no “OFF” switch in sight.

Reminding me over and over how this was all my fault and you were gone. Just. Like. That...

But you didn’t go away, did you...

No...

You stayed right here. In my heart. In my thoughts. Every day my mind would bring you back to me, though you didn’t know it.

My mind was selfish like that.

It didn’t want to let you go.

So it never did.

It took a long time for me to open up again. To anyone. But when my mind finally allowed me to I began to see a dark cloud approaching.

Except this time, it wasn’t memories like it had been in the past that periodically gave wind to the wings of my depression, allowing it to soar.

It was you.

You missed me.

You messed up.

You were...sorry.

You said all the right things at the wrong time. But that’s what’s funny about it though, isn’t it?

It was always the wrong time.

So I receded and secluded myself, mentally. I couldn’t talk about it. Then a white coat prescribed something to help me “cope” with the mental anguish.

I missed you so, but my heart hadn’t healed. I couldn’t let you back in with the springtime wounds still so fresh and tender. However, it eventually became too much.

I couldn’t forget you, though God knows I desperately tried.

Subconsciously, I’d been looking for you.

I looked for you in strangers. In friends. In items. In the lyrics. I’ve always searched, tirelessly. And you were always just out of my reach. Until one day I couldn’t do it anymore...

I made the decision to stop telling myself I was better off without you because I wasn’t. I was always more miserable without you. So I reached out a hand of forgiveness.

To my surprise, you responded with the same emotion... And now, here we are again...

Wondering...

If this is finally...

...the right time.

**apologies for the length** ——Thanks for reading!——

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