I have always been afraid of snakes.
When I was younger, I went to a science museum where they had snakes on display. I started crying when I thought we were going to go and see the snakes.
I cry a lot.
But I like crying. It’s a good stress reliever and it feels like a stone has been lifted off of my chest.
I have other fears.
I am afraid of falling, not the fear of heights. I am afraid of falling apart, of not being good enough. I am afraid of desolation and oblivion. I am afraid of the small things like spiders.
These are not my biggest fears
My biggest fear is failure.
I’m absolutely terrified of being a disappointment;
I live the constant state of wondering if I met the expectation. It isn’t a good feeling. Failure is like the seam that holds the fabric of the world together. It’s a social construct.
I don’t know where this fear first stemmed from
Maybe it’s the Asian mentality of the “tiger mom.” But my mother is not a tiger; she is more of a snow leopard. Maybe my fear comes from a looming past life, my past body having seen horrors
The fear of failure isn’t pretty
It isn’t the girl in the movies who is so worried about failing a presentation or assignment but then executes it perfectly. And it isn't the boy who makes every shot and gets every girl
It is the looming shadow of the people you are compared to
It is the friends that start to grow apart from you because you become so obsessed with your study of success. It is the restless nights where you think about the mistakes you made that day.
You wear a tired face.
It is the lump in your throat that you hold after you know that you didn’t do your best or that “you could have done better.”
I seem confident and brave, but I don’t think am
I just try hard to look that way. I pretend that I don’t care about what people think about me, but deep down, I do care. And people hurt. Words are weapons, and they leave scars.
It’s the fear of failure that stops me sometimes.
I keep going though. I’ve learned that everyone has fears, some even bigger than mine.
Without fear, life isn’t the same.
Just know that it’s okay to be afraid.