Recent developments in my life have forced me to look at things in black and white. To simplify everything down until I can get to the source of the thought. Whether that be with medical issues that may or may not be happening or with the girl I cannot picture my life without. It all comes down to time. Do I have enough time left to give her all the things she needs or are these medical issues about to cut that short? Despite the medical issues, there is an even deeper question that is overflowing my mind. Do I have the ability to be who she needs forever, to always cherish every second I get with her, no matter how much time is left? Another question that tears me up is whether or not I am good enough for her, do I even have the chance against the boys who try to capture her attention? Does she know how deeply I truly love her, how far I would go just to see her smile? I believe she does know, how could she not? It's almost impossible for me to hide a feeling so strong that I can feel it in every fiber of my being. From my head to my toes, when I think of her, it puts me in a state of complete peace. Even with the looming possibility of a major medical issue, just hearing her voice calms my worry into nothing but a ripple on a pond. I have yet to control these emotions, as sometimes my true thoughts slip out when talking to her on the phone for hours. I never thought that I could be this head over heels for someone, ever. I love her strength, her flaws, her absolute determination and selflessness. She is the definition of a beautiful soul and there is absolutely nothing more rare in the entire world. The lost city of Atlantis, the mystery of the pyramids, Stonehenge; these "wonders" of the world do not even come close to the unknown energy that just pulses from her when she enters a room. The ability she has to capture every single person's attention, brighten a room into an entirely different atmosphere. I could not have been luckier when it comes to finding someone to be the most amazing best friend. She's there when I need her, even though she prefers her seclusion and self-love. She changes everything I thought I knew. It terrifies me beyond belief, more than any major medical issue or dangerous situation. Scares me enough to listen to her every word, to hang on her every thought, and grow from her overwhelming energy. I have learned so many things since we became close and I cannot think of my life without her in it anymore. That scares her, but yet she stays, knowing how much I care. She worries about me, she cares about my life, my health, my happiness, but truly she has no reason too. I wonder what she thinks when she looks at me, when we fall asleep cuddling, with her in my arms, as I lightly kiss her forehead so she can continue sleeping. I hold her, sometimes I cannot fall asleep for a couple hours because I just treasure the moment that I may not have again. These moments, I struggle defining with proper words. As I sit here with slight tears running down my cheek, doing something I never do, praying. Praying that she gets to reach all of her dreams, praying that the universe keeps her growing, praying that I get to be there through all of it. I struggle with faith, but for some reason, it has become a lot easier with her by my side. I do not know where this is headed, but I have faith that these moments I love and treasure with my entire soul will keep happening. I have never felt this way before, it is all very new to me and I am learning to embrace it with open arms. Open arms that are hopefully going to continue being filled with her soft embrace, the scent of her hair, and the beautiful green eyes that steal my heart whenever I look into them. They truly do have the ability to see right through any thing I am trying to hide. She is my kryptonite, my allergy, my weakness, possibly my downfall, but outweighing all of that. She is my greatest strength. As I wipe my cheeks and continue to smile, I thank god for the moments I have received with her and the faith that she has instilled in me again. It proves to me that the universe brings you the love you deserve, and even though I cannot call her mine. I am so grateful for her being placed back in front of me. The love she shows, no matter how hidden, is the greatest gift one could ask for. She has changed my life, helped me change myself, and above all inspired me to grow everyday.
For Alexandria Leigh Roloff, the strongest, most beautiful soul, that I have ever had the pleasure of making memories with. Thank you so much Al.