Are Vampires Human?
The scientific definition of a species is “all those Individuals who can and will, under natural conditions, successfully breed with one another and produce viable Offspring.
” Vampires can and do breed with ordinary Humans, so yes, Vampires are Human. Plus we should always accept Captain Kirk's definition of Humanity: “Everybody's Human.”
But alas, not everybody realizes that or agrees with Captain Kirk's definition!
One night while Percy was tending his lavender with Snow laying next to him and purring, she suddenly sat up, eyes wide,
as wide as Cat's eyes can in the dark which is very wide) and gave a frightened, “ME-OW!”
Percy looked up and gazed through the darkness with his own nocturnal-adapted eyes and beheld a Vampire's worst day-mare!
Percy giggled nervously, grabbed up Snow and ran as fast as he could to the relative safety of his stone cottage.
He bolted the doors and secured all the windows. They were bullet proof, and they had thick oak shutters with huge iron locks. Quickly as he could Percy swung those shutters shut and locked them.
He sighed and he prayed, to God and he asked himself, “How long had it been since this happened before? “About twenty years.” he told himself.
That seemed to be the “normal cycle” IF you could call such a thing “normal! But when, God, WHEN, is it going to STOP happening?!”
Well... thank God the last four hasn't been THAT much of a problem, traumatic yes, but…
They always seem to make the same mistakes. And, well... the cottage had been built very secure. I saw to that!
But when would they EVER learn!!?
Percy stared out one of his front windows. He was in little danger because they all were bullet proof and therefore pretty much break-proof.
“Well! How about that, God! This crop of bigots has learned one things at least. The torches these are carrying are LED and electric, not fire-lit.
So at least they aren't in danger of setting your beautiful forest on fire!”
They came up to his door and started ramming it. A chill went down Percy's spine. What if the next generation thinks to bring a wrecking ball?!
At least this one had not!
Percy made a note to himself. Consider moving to California, USA where People may be more tolerant. He'd have to arrange another string of Donars and Snow would not like the long plane ride.
Or the different location, at least not at first, but it could be done. He would also hate to leave his Lavender patch behind but he could grow more in California.
The biggest problem for him, not his Lavender was California was much further South: Much more daylight. Oh well!
The mob was hysterical now!
Percy shouted “is the Mayor of Transylvania out there? Or is he a Coward? Should you vote for a Coward? Please send the Mayor in! If he won't come have the sense not to vote for him again!”
That did it! The Mayor separated himself from the crowd and with obvious fear and trembling approached Percy's door.
Equally scared and with a whole lot more reason Percy let him in.
They stared at one another as if neither had seen the like!”
Percy spoke first, “I can prove I am not a Vampire. For one thing notice that I am wearing a cross.”
The Mayor’s eyes widened in surprise.
Percy smiled, “I carved it myself. I sell lots of these on Ebay,”
“It's beautifully carved.” The Mayor admitted. He smiled nervously.
Percy smiled back, “No Artist can really take the credit, or the blame. if someone does not like what he or she creates. We get our gifts from the Grand Artist who made us all.
We are as little mirrors who reflect HIS work. Now then, if I were a Vampire, would I reflect in a mirror? Or would you be able to take pictures of me?”
The Mayor shook his head.
Percy smiled. “You have a cell phone on you. Correct?”
The Mayor nodded. “Of course!”
Percy smiled, “Well take a picture of me. Or hand it over to me and I will take, as the Americans have started saying, “selfies of me.
” To make it even more proof I am not a Vampire I will do them reflecting off my bathroom mirror.”
Wordlessly the Mayor handed Percy his cell phone.
Percy took the cell phone and led the Mayor to his bathroom which had a mirror.
And he obviously reflected in it.
Percy snapped several selfies. Some of them with deliberately goofy expressions. In one he imitated Einstein's tongue out photo. He gave himself Rabbit ears in others.
Many were quite toothy, but if he reflected in a mirror and could be photographed? What did that prove other than he did have rather long incisors?
He took one that had a little dignity to it with the Mayor in the picture too. Then he handed the cell phone back.
The Mayor immediately checked. Absolutely Percy Vladimir could be photographed! Every picture was there and clear, and it was definitely Percy.
And the he had watched Percy take those selfies! Himself! IN a mirror! There was no doubt of it. Percy was not A Vampire.
How silly they had been! What if Percy chose to sue, or make a big fuss? It could cost him the next election!
But no. One thing the Mayor was good at, as most successful government servant must be, is reading People. Percy was smiling benignly at him. (Wow! Did this guy have incisors.
No wonder they had made this horrible error!” But anyone who was smiling like that, very gently, calmly, was not going to cause a political stink.
Percy commented, “I have a dental condition that has made my gums recede. It makes my incisors look quite long.”
The Mayor smiled, very embarrassed, “Ah! Of course! That explains that!”
Percy continued, “I also have a medical condition that makes it very necessary for me to avoid sunlight. You may have heard of it. There has been at least one TV movie.
It is called, Xeroderma pigmentosum ” The same condition requires me to avoid Garlic. I am quite sure that is where the legend of Vampireism comes from.
My Great Grandfather, and my Grandfather, and my Father and Myself all had this. We have lived in this town and been called Percy for over a thousand years.”
Mayor nodded.”That explains why there has been a Percy Vladimir on the Citizen's List for all that time. Silly us! We thought it was YOU, living a long Vampire life.
Strange your Ancestor's death was not recorded in our records too, or the many births!”
Percy shrugged, “Well oversight you know. Clerks get over busy, or they are just lazy, or they just goof! Or that part of the records got lost, or deliberately misplaced.
Someone might have noticed the name ,'Vladimir' and thought to themselves, “I could make it look like one Person with the last name of Vlad the Impeller is living among us for hundreds of years.
After all this IS Transylvania.'”
The Mayor smiled and nodded. “I guess so. Thinking such a nice Person as you is a Vampire! I am so terribly sorry!”
Percy smiled, “No harm done. We will both be laughing about it in a day or two.”
The Mayor smiled. “I feel very relieved. “I am glad you are holding no grudges.”
Percy grinned, “No Mentally Healthy Person holds grudges against something like this. It is really so trivial. No harm was done.
I have something to laugh about now and tell my Grand-Kids, if God chooses to bless me with any. Now then.. Would you like to see some of my artistic works?”
The Mayor nodded, a bit reluctantly. This was beginning to take up some serious time. How long would the crowd outside wait before becoming a problem?
Percy led the Mayor to his kitchen, opened the fridge and handed him a cup of peppermint tea. “I am a bit low.
Oh I have three tins of it left but I have not enough made right now for the both of us. Please accept this one cup and I will make more for myself later.”
It was actually the truth. Just because Percy HAD to have blood does not mean he can not, in reasonably small doses, enjoy other drinks and a bit of ordinary food once in a while.
He just had to be careful not to overdo it. This was actually his “ace in a hole.
” If the Mayor challenged this, Percy would make a pitcher of tea and drink it and eat some ginger snaps he had baked, in front of the Mayor to prove absolutely he was not a “blood sucker.”
He didn't have to go that far. The Mayor accepted his cup of tea without any more suspicion and obviously was enjoying it. Good! Percy had won his gambol!
Then Percy said, “I suspect the crowd out there is getting very nervous by now. To keep them from busting my door down, or possibly just going through the walls.
(Interesting how we think to re-enforce doors but often forget to reinforce the rest of one's house!) Would you be kind enough to cut this most interesting visit short.?
The Mayor nodded, “I was thinking the same thing. Yes of course!”
Percy smiled, “Come see what I make at our flea market or go on Ebay and find me under Percy Vlad's Treasures from Transylvania.
I am actually very surprised you never were out at our flea market looking at all the great stuff so many of us have for sale. I am not the only talented Artist in our town.
You can be very sure of that!”
The Mayor shrugged, Oh, I'm a busy Public Servant. I usually sleep in on weekends, but you know, good idea, actually.
I could use some fresh air and a new experience and after all Flea Marketeers VOTE! I do need to meet that Crowd.”
Percy grinned a very toothy grin.
The Mayor went back through Percy's house. Percy watched and smiled at him again he as he let himself out.
The crowd gasped. They had not been expecting him to come out unharmed and were indeed about to try and “storm the castle.” But the Mayor was fine!
The Mayor held up his cell phone.
“He can take selfies! And he definitely reflects in a mirror! Not a Vampire, Folks, just an unfortunate last name, a toothy grin and a reclusive life style for health reasons.
He has a very gentle nature. We should all be so peaceful!”
Sheepishly some of the crowd nodded
The Mayor started walking back to his own home.
The crowd slowly followed.