my dear F,
i'm sorry things turned out this way.
as much as i want to believe that we are the ones who make our own fate, some things just became too heavy for me to carry and i wasn't ready.
and believe me, i tried.
i tried so hard but it's hard to brawl against something i couldn't even see like destiny or whatever other word people have for it.
see, i haven't been doing too well.
when i look at myself in the mirror i see a houseplant that is about to die. the guilt consumes me more than anything.
other days i just feel like a lit candle dying a slow death and this, i accept. i'm sorry i hurt you while i was hurting. i have been a dreadful person.
and i'm sorry this is all i can give you--
another futile attempt to gather my thoughts and then turn them into something not even mildly coherent. but this is all i've got... for now, at least.
i don't know what to say anymore.
i just don't want to cry on christmas day again. i'm sorry i can't go back in time and fix us.
maybe in our next lives, if i'm lucky, you'll find me again.
or i'll find you.
either way, i will be waiting.
but i understand if you hate me.
merry christmas. have a good one.
love always, Nyssa