Emil's First Guide on Not Dying Out There: The Slime...In a Mech Suit?
Emil's First Guide on Not Dying Out There: 

The Slime...In a Mech Suit? fiction stories

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An up and coming radio host explains how to not die: the first edition. Is his advice useful? Probably.

Emil's First Guide on Not Dying Out There: The Slime...In a Mech Suit?

Wow, turns out exploring a lot of places means you gather up quite a lot of information- and information people actually want! Not kidding, some guy wanted twenty bucks for where the nearest bar is!

Turned him down, of course. Cheapskates really don't last long out here. But, that got me thinking...

If nobody knows how to avoid death in somewhere as simple as Mokon, then who would be left to spend their hard-earned cash on me?

The life of an informant and courier is a tough one ladies and gents. So that's why I made this little radio station. I need the money, you need to not perish, it works out, yeah?

Okay, keep your ears open for a tad. So those blobs of colorful slime are around everywhere. In the fields, in garbage cans, in ruins of buildings. You'd find a slime quicker than you'd find a cockroach.

Add a healthy dude into the mix, and they will gladly crawl into you and turn you into a nice fleshy home. Make the slime angry and they can mutate into something even worse. Catching this so far?

Well we found out, besides grandma playing the numbers, that some of them can look like you and me! They still look melted and pretty unpleasant all things considered, but they stand upright folks!

Why isn't this info picking up traction?!

...Regardless, there's been rather unsettling reports of one particular slime that, somehow, managed to rob a military grade tank armor and fused it with itself.

I know, I know, Emil is off his rocker again. But no, all of what spilled out my mouth is one-hundred percent true.

I wouldn't lie to you guys, dead people can't buy things! Now, according to my sources, me, this thing calls itself "Dedan." And it really does not like people.

Though, if I was also eight feet tall, and could cave people's skulls in like paper-mache with my metallic, hydraulic-powered fists, and everybody hated me, I would also not like people.

My advice? Just don't, ladies and gents. If you see Mr. Dedan running towards you, the best thing you can do is get out a pen and paper so you can write your last will.

Do something good in that short time you have.

So after all that, what can this abomination do?

Well, it has a functioning brain and is coated in enough armor to block mortar fire, trust me we tried that. Dedan's terrifyingly fun hobbies including fishing and stealing people from camps at night.

But its main prize: aux batteries.

It needs those babies to recharge the armor, so maybe if you ran fast enough and for long enough, the suit would die and you could escape, along with some nicely shaped new calves?

Well dear listener, let's just hope you never run into Dedan, which you shouldn't honestly. He won't show himself around large groups in the day so staying on the main paths with a caravan should be good enough.

And for all those thrill seekers and treasure hunters out there, let's wish all of them good luck... ...and pray they won't get their guts wrapped around a telephone pole.

As interesting as Dedan really is, there also isn't much to him at all. Anything we know at least. So now it's time to- Oh wait, sponsors...


Oh yeah, those people who tell you to just say no to the slimes because they can't enter you without your consent, Trust me when I say most will absolutely still invade your body.

Some even know what consent is and still do it, so don't let your fantasies get in the way of being killed from death, alright? Anyways, Emil is signing off. We...really do need sponsors. Please.

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