This was a poem-ish rant I made close to about a year ago, when my depression was really bad. I was keep on switching back and forth on whether or not I should share this...but I thought I should because I want others to know that you can make it out of this, and that it's never too late to change. Please don't ever give up. Nothing is as precious as you and your health.
I know I can’t fight in a war,
I’m not what you have been begging for.
Just a mere child,
Not have yet learned how to control the emotions I endure.
I’m such an insecure mess,
Can’t decide if I am boring or annoying.
Not smart enough.
Not thin enough.
Not active enough.
Not talented enough.
Not social enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not brave enough.
I N S E C U R E.
I silently cry just about every night,
Can’t figure out how to fill in this empty hole inside.
Dear God, help me!
I can’t process the love you say you have for me,
You say it, repeatingly, but still I cannot believe it.
People leave, people backstab, people turn their backs the other way,
They do everything but f*cking stay.
They don’t love me,
Everybody hates me.
No one will remember me in two years after I just get so tired of Mother Lord’s shit and leave in a hitch.
Dear Mother Nature, Father Humanity--who’s ever in charge of my own longanimity,
Kill me ‘cuz I can’t do it myself.
I don’t want to leave those that I care about.
Yes, I know they hate me,
But what if I’m wrong and they really do?
Maybe it’s not too late.
Maybe I still have a chance to convince them.
Assure them that I have some type of purpose.
But maybe I don’t,
I’m living all alone,
In a dark place I can barely call home.
I’m stuck in this endless mental tug-a-war:
Stuck with all these maybes,
Maybe yes, maybe no, just depends on my backbone.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
Financially, I’m nothing greater than a penny.
Confidence, growing smaller than a dime,
I have no clue how to fix my problems of mine.
I think too much,
Worry much more.
Got to be careful with the words I say,
Don’t want anymore regrets,
Don’t want my parents to become upset.
With their controversial politics,
Running for Ward 3 city council.
It’s forever engraved in my bounding brain.
And although I’m proud of them,
It’s hard when they only call my name when they need my help circling lit pieces,
Or help transport signs that advertises.
They say they love me,
Say they’re proud of me,
But that’s all lies because they can’t even tell if I’m MISSING.
Call me only to yell at me,
Kill my sense of independency.
Stop saying that I’m awesome,
I don’t want to f*cking hear its reiteration.
You call it “Mary Poppins,”
Nothing Mary Poppins like repeating the same verses.
Dad, please look at me,
Stop teasing me,
Put the jokes aside and seriously examine me.
Do you even know how depressed I am?
I bet you don’t.
You can’t even say that you love me,
I have to tell you first,
Then you recite back the same exact words.
I’m utterly surprised how my brain lived this far
Without collapsing and exploding,
Without transforming into a gun and motherfuckin’ killing me.
Ending my repentance,
Ending my misery,
It’s my own personalized panacea.
Bang, one shot. That’s all it takes.
Please, never take this route. If you need some type of sign to get help, here it is. Please, I am begging for you to live. Prove that you are so much stronger than the emotions taking over.