callouses
callouses  family stories
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novembernights
novembernights ✰ baby writer and coffee enthusiast
Autoplay OFF   •   6 months ago
an unsent letter.

callouses

my hands are calloused

my hands are calloused from all the years

my hands are calloused from all the years of gymnastics

chalking my hands every day

chalking my hands every day swinging on the bars

chalking my hands every day swinging on the bars sticking the dismount.

and every so often

and every so often one of the callouses

and every so often one of the callouses would rip open

and every so often one of the callouses would rip open and bleed

much like my heart

much like my heart every time you looked

much like my heart every time you looked the other way

much like my heart every time you looked the other way when i was in pain.

"it's just a phase,"

"it's just a phase," you would say

"it's just a phase," you would say all the time

"it's just a phase," you would say all the time to ignore my depression.

i told you i wanted help

i told you i wanted help i opened up about my sadness;

i told you i wanted help i opened up about my sadness; the awful days when i could barely get out of bed.

i told you everything

i told you everything how the callouses

i told you everything how the callouses were not limited to my hands.

they were on my heart too

they were on my heart too places people had broken it

they were on my heart too places people had broken it so carelessly

places they had ripped it

places they had ripped it wide open for everyone to see

places they had ripped it wide open for everyone to see and i was left to clean up the mess

all

all alone.

where were you?

where were you? you were watching me

where were you? you were watching me with your tainted glasses

where were you? you were watching me with your tainted glasses that blocked out anything real.

you lived in a world of fantasy

you lived in a world of fantasy where my pain didn't exist.

"the phase will pass"

"mental illness isn't an actual thing."

"anxiety is a sin."

the callouses on my heart

the callouses on my heart are just as real

the callouses on my heart are just as real as the ones on my hands

and you rip them open

and you rip them open and you make them bleed

and you rip them open and you make them bleed and you look the other way.

one day

one day i will be in a different city

one day i will be in a different city with a different life

and you will wonder why i never call

this is why.

because of the callouses

because of the callouses that grew over wounds

because of the callouses that grew over wounds i never want to bleed again.

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