I don't know what anchored me. I was this close to letting go. Day by day, I didn't become stronger as everyone else does. I fell. I felt like Alice. But instead of falling through a hole, I drowned. "Let go", a voice inside me said. A whisper.
Then came a shout, "Ellie, don't let go!"
A shout. There's always a shout. "ELLIE! Did your parents name you 'Elephant' at first? Because it 'Fits'!" "WHO LET THAT ELEPHANT OUT? TRUMPET TRUMPET TRUMPET!"
"Don't sit on that chair! It will break!" And a laugh. There's always a laugh.
I am sure you laughed at that too, didn't you?
Because I am so funny! Because everything I do is funny! My walk is funny, my voice is funny, EVERYTHING IS SO FREAKING FUNNY ABOUT ME! And because I weigh 180 lbs and it totally concerns you.
That day, Nick was among them too. I saw him laugh when that skeleton Norah flipped her hair and told him something. Looking directly at me.
I couldn't believe Nick would be one of those persons. I trusted him. He was supposed to be my best friend. He was supposed to be there to stop every bully.
And then, later that night. I got a notification.
I rarely got notifications. There was no one in their right sense of mind who would send me something.
I opened it. Norah Stephen sent a video. With 3 other persons' comments on it.
I hesitated then clicked it. Norah's sickeningly pretty face showed on my computer. "Ellie. You know what Nick said today? He said he's sick of you and your daily dramas."
"I am here to tell you, back off of him. He doesn't give a crap about you. And for future references, I am dating him. So stop bothering him. Us." Then a pause. I thought she was done.
But she spoke again, "Why don't you just go ahead and DIE!"
Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.
I have a blurry idea of what happened after that. I remember going to the bathroom where my mother had kept her sleeping pills. I opened and emptied it almost immediately.
At the same time, my phone rang. I knew sleeping pills take time. Probably takes hours, but if no one knows maybe it would work. So I went to check my phone to speak for last time, who ever is calling. It was Nick.
I couldn't help but feel affectionate towards him. He'd be the last person I ever talk to. I accepted it.
Before I could speak, Nick did. "Ellie, don't let go!"
My eyes filled with tears. He knew. He always knew. "It's late Nick." My voice sounded hoarse.
"It's not!" Then almost at the same time, I heard the front door open. Footsteps ran upstairs and my bedroom door banged open.
I felt drowsy and my head spun.
Nick threatened as he shook me, "WHAT DID YOU DO?" I told him. He took me to the bathroom sink and held my hair for me. I put my finger on my throat and let it out of my system.
After some time, he explained everything. How Norah and some others planned this to bully me and how she faked the video and everything. Then he told me, "Never do that again.Do you understand?" I smiled at him. Resting my head on his lap.
Everyone knew about it, about Norah's deadly prank by the next day. Norah was expelled and those who encouraged were suspended for the rest of the year.
The principal called me to her office and said, "I don't know what you were thinking. As much as I don't encourage your bullies, I don't encourage your method of coping either."
"Taking away your life is not a solution! If there is any trouble, talk to someone. Anyone! Your family, your friends, your teachers. We are here for you. If I ever heard you did something like that again, I'll personally make sure to expel you too." She said glaring at me.
I told I was ashamed of what I had done. I was ashamed. If something happened that day, I would never know about those people who cared for me. Or how beautiful the sunset looks from a cliff. Or could never eat my favourite cookie cake again.
I would have never known that Nick loved me and he doesn't care and I quote, "If I had to squeeze my butt into jeans or if the smallest size dress would fit me."
I thank my lucky stars that I am still alive and I have such wonderful people in my life to support me. Before I could drown too deep, I learned to swim.