Recently I have been confronted with the undeniable truth for almost every woman out there: Pregnancy
Don't worry, I thank the heavens it's not me
But I must say that the confrontation that came with new life kept my thoughts going
Obviously, in such a lifechanging event it brings you back to your own feelings and life experiences
Girls as young as four years old are confronted with their fertility and their womanhood
Play house, that is what we still called it back then
Throughout a woman's life she is constantly expected to know what is expected from her and her womb
Early childhood, first periods, sex ED, first times, magazines
There is nearly no place pregnancy or fertility cannot be found
Well, not in the boy's lockerroom, that is
The first time I heard my friend was pregnant I felt, threatened, somehow
Like this wasn't supposed to happen, I did not want to enter this face of my life
All the women around me: talking about babies en cuteness and their unfaithfull lazy husbands that refuse to do a baby-family-portret, or something?
I feel panicked, knowing what is expected of me one day
One day I am going to have to look a baby in the eyes and accept that it is my job now
The second I get pregnant with a babe I'm to accept to be treated as a first-calf heifer
I am after all, bringing forth new life to the stock, and therefore I must be protected
It all feels dehumanizing somehow
Also I am terrified of motherhood
Hell, my mother had been abused for years when she first had me, so what chance do I have?
How can it be expected of me to raise a healthy child? Bring forth new life with all its consequences?
Why should I bear the responsibility of making a choice for another human being?
If anything, families choose to have children for the most superficial reasons
'Oh but it will be cute' or 'It will make us complete' or (my personal favorite) ' It will make us picture perfect'
I rarely hear the real consequences of childbirth play a role in these arguments
Raising a child is just hard, it really is
At the end your making a decision to put a life on this earth
But do any of those women ever question themselves
Does that life want it too?