They tell you to stay mindful, be in the present, see the bigger picture, as of recently these actions and the thought process it brought was second nature.
You know this is the key, you feel it, and have felt the benefits. You do yoga, you meditate, you do breathwork, but the bigger picture is non-existent.
You spit fire, for a brief period of time it brings relief, you cry, it brings relief... but that same day you don't have the energy to shower.
More correspondence from the lawyer, you can't feel your limbs, they go numb, you cry in the grocery store parking lot, again, your ears buzz.
The buzz is a ring that inhibits all other thoughts, you can feel your body breaking down, and your mind going dark.
It is almost as if you could pass through a wall without feeling it or the surrounding people even noticing. The buzz is not painful, but it is strong.
It must be a type of defence mechanism your body has associated to stress and factors that are out of your control. Like a bomb went off, without pain, and the buzz is the aftermath.
Today, you do yoga. But not before you talk yourself into having a shower all morning, because you didn't yesterday, and you work again tonight.
You're on your third coffee, you sage the shit out of yourself and your room. Then, you fight for your daughter with a keyboard.
A keyboard is all you have, but you have fire too, so make sure family and friends proof read your words.Your words can be illegitimate accusations.
Remember, your words don't matter in the court of law, you're a woman, and your child is a little girl. Words aren't in our favour.
You secondguess yourself, am i an asshole? Yes. Yes. Is it for the right reasons? Are you too emotional and not logical enough? You are a Pisces, it is a natural occurrence to feel, not think.
You think, about how you feel.
You snap, you're moody. You pass it off as just one of those days. Is it though? You have been in survival mode for almost 9 years.
You have played the victim card, admit it, you may have not been seen by family and friends as playing that card. But you have. You caught yourself though. Remember, cunning not conning.
You have corrected it, for today anyway.
Ironically, when you go to war, your blood stops flowing. But all blood flows, painfully, when at war. Your blood stops. A clot sits near your lung, on a nerve, that is connected to your arm.
Your heart side, of course. Still painful. This is the beginning of war. Your body tells you it is time to go to work, take action, set aside joy for now.
You believe you'll see the joy again, but will you? Is that the victim card being pulled from your giant deck again? It's him again, isn't it?
The cause for the stress, and the inability to let blood flow. Healthy blood flow equals joy. That is seeing the bigger picture, you can fix this. That was 2018.
It's 2021 now, ghost pains remind you of the lack of joy you allow in your life, still.
Sometimes it's the blame card. Why can't you see the bigger picture? He raped you at 7 months pregnant, on the couch. You were in the fetal position.
Survival mode again, they forgot to tell you there is a third repsonse to fear; fight, flight, and the third, freeze. You froze. Like your blood did. Like you do when your ears buzz.
You've read textbooks on domestic abuse, you have even sat in meetings, and teachings on domestic abuse. It won't happen to you, right? It did. Admit it. But don't you dare play that victim card.
Socially, what happens in a matrimonial home holds no weight. So you leave, you have to.
Or your daughter will be born with pre disposed stress concern, you even think "fuck with all of this stress, she'll be born with one eye." Guess what, she has a stigmatism in her left eye.
Do you still not see the bigger picture? The universe as is. Open your eyes, or eye, for that matter. She's here now, she crossed over to this world in human form.
But you still go back, you walk up to his front door with her in a carrier. He has no soul in his eyes, but you still try. Because socially you're taught that a child is to have a father.
You're kicked off his porch with her in hand. There is that ear buzz again.
You just received a text, a friend of the family proofread your notes that you are to send to your lawyer. Back to war now. You have help, help came running.
But why can't you get out of bed? You can type though, the keyboard is in your control. Your thoughts, not so much, but the keyboard is.
What are you called, a keyboard warrior? Typically that label is pegged negatively, however it is what you are, right now. Own it. \par
Don't worry, we all know these thoughts and sensations you feel are felt when your daughter is in school or at friends, or even visiting grandparents.
We don't judge you, we don't shame mothers with a story to tell. Right now, you just ordered pizza for your daughter, and her friend, because you are capable of departmentalizing. You have to.
Cool, calm, and collected is just another phrase to describe your survival mode.