Every day, I say “today will not be the day I break” Put a smile on my caving heart, my hollow chest, my aching body, my shaking fists
I don’t see myself standing on the train tracks as the lights blared “stay away” and the bar sealed in my fate
As long as I don’t close my eyes for too long
I don’t see the rain
I don’t see the same gray ceiling that I stared at for six months of my life
I don’t see my hands curled like a child’s around my own congealing blood
I don’t see my matted, limp hair, the bones in my hips growing sharper every day
I don’t hear the pounds on the door as my few remaining friends begged me to come out, to make sure I wasn’t dead already
I don’t hear the line drop as my mother hangs up. Even she’d had enough.
I don’t see the little number of my GPA, falling, and falling, failing and failing
I don’t see the empty beer bottles stuffed under my bed, or smell the sour stench of alcohol on my breath day after day
I don’t see the judging eyes of my roommate as she finds me in the same position as when she left that morning
As long as...
I won’t feel all their hands on me. All those random people I turned to in the drunken dark, trying to fill some void
As long as.
But even though I try to keep busy. Distract myself. I can still feel that rotten hollowness eating away at me
it’s always a contingency, in this life, I’ve learned. An “as long as” I stay this way, I won’t fall back into that pit full of grasping hands and teeth
But oh I am growing so so tired
And I am laced and laced with cracks
If I just break. It will all just go away, forever.
Just One More Day
That’s how I keep living