Throughout life, I've been lost. Drifting in my identity, moving always, I could never find it in me to commit to people.
Dont get me wrong, I am loyal. I have never cheated, nor will I cheat. There is no point. But I was never satisfied.
Until that day that I randomly sat down at your lunch table.
I saw a group of Jocks moving towards me. I insisted I'd leave. you almost yelled no. I was the new girl. Been at the only high school in the county for 3 days. I though it was just Country hospitality.
In the city, I was always pressured to become popular. I was pretty, but never wore makeup. I wore nice clothes, and was so smart. but I loved being an outcast. Reading instead of doing my work in class, but still getting straight A's. Being nerdy, and having diverse friends.
how would I know you were the star Quarterback? All you said was you played football. I knew nothing about sports. Hell, I didn't know what the quarterback did. (I do now. Because of you.)
You said that I was welcome to sit at this table, tomorrow and even after that if I wanted. So I stayed.
It was Beautiful.
I had friends. Good friends. That made me happy, and that weren't toxic. I'd never had that before. You never told me your name. I knew everyone else's name, but yours. I only knew your nickname, but that was fine. You flirted with me. I knew you played girls, but I was oblivious to the flirting. I always was that way.
Then I found out your name, and life froze.
I couldn't flirt with you anymore. Our families hate each other. "Those boys of that family will make you or break you. Tread carefully if you ever meet one. You will fall in love, and it will be terrible." I could hear my Step-Mother's words ringing in my ears. She is my family. So by proxy, we should not get along. You took my sudden stop in flirting as a No. I was too scared to talk to you about it.
I loved you. Irreversibly. You weren't the same as the other guys. You tried to conform. Disassociate yourself with the country. Never letting anyone get too close.
That summer, I saw you around our town. "Friday Night Out": June 2019. Do you remember?You came with Her. The one you dated to make me jealous, but you weren't dating Her then. I dressed how I wanted to, against school dress code, and had fun. The only time you took your eyes off me was to text your friends. Never paid attention to her. I was too scared to talk to you.
After that, you looked at me different. You went to every summer event, even though you never went to those. Don't think I didn't notice. I always noticed you.
Then, there was 4th of July. Oh, how it felt magical. I didn't see you, but I saw your friends. I heard talk. You tried running after me when we left early, with my siblings and Mother (really step-mother, but you knew that). I heard you say you couldn't keep up. I wanted to stop to talk to you, but Mom was hustling.
Then there was the Derby. Oh, that Demolition Derby, You claim you were never in it. I was there. I have proof. I had to leave early, but oh, my Momma's hometown is your Dad's hometown. Family is family. You were #8. "Mini Truck and SUV" class. I heard your name and information. I jumped. begged to stay. I couldn't. You made second place. I distracted you and made you get hit.
When school started, suddenly I was excluded from your friends. No one was allowed to flirt wit me. Only one of your friends still talked to me. I had found new friends during summer school. But it still hurt. I was popular. Everyone knew my name. You caused that. I know that now. You were dating Her. She asked you out, and you thought you could show how good of a boyfriend you are. It still hurt.
How could I have been so dumb? Why would you have liked me? All summer I was dealing with drama from a different boy. Yes I liked him, but I didn't like him like I loved you. Everyone said I stalked him. You know I didn't. you knew my bike route was dictated by my parents. He blamed me for his break-up. He admitted he liked me, and that broke him up.Was I really to much hassle?
Was I not good enough? Was it my mental instabilities? My abusive past? My health problems? I knew you cared, you wouldn't've freaked when I wore all black and showed how tough I could be. You got worried when I started learning how to fight. You felt remorse when you yelled at me, and made me get sick and stay out of school for 3 days. You were scared for me then. I know you kept close tabs on me.
I took Child development. I saw your face when I had to wear the fake pregnancy belly all day, yet passed out during second period. You asked your great aunt, the school nurse, if I was ok. I saw all those boners, even though most of the time you had no reason. Why would a teenage boy get a boner when a girl laughs? None of it made sense.
How couldn't you break up with her before? You cared, I saw you. I see you caring even now. I saw you caring the first year I was there. that is why you stopped having sex, because I practice abstinence. What was the blackmail she had on you? When she went on her mission trip, you looked so happy. She couldn't make sly comments about me, and everyone was happy. You even spoke to me again.
When She returned, everything was bleak again. She expected you to propose. she was a senior after all. She invited Herself on trips with your family, dictated what you posted on Instagram, and you were never happy when she was around.
Can't you just tell me what happened?
You were drunk New Year's Eve, because you were trying to hype yourself up to text me to tell me to join the party at your house. then She invited herself over. Wore her hair like mine, and tried to get you to sleep with her. She almost made it, too. If your sister hadn't yelled her name, you would've slept with her. She believed if she could get you to knock her up, you'd marry her. She has your honor code down to a T.
Thank god for your sister. You cried after she left. You said you didn't want them to invite me over and see you like this. so they didn't.
All of this has been a nightmare. I have had so many people want to ask me out, or flirt with me, but they are too afraid of the "King Of The School" to do anything. But I started to get over you. Slowly, and I would always backslide with something as simple as a "Good Morning".
I opened myself up to new people. My friend confessed his love. I said we'd see how it goes, let's not put a label. I'm trying to love him. I'm trying so hard. And I think I do.
Then the coronavirus school shutdown started. That Day. That day he confessed. That day I saw you start to cry because I said goodbye. I saw you drive past with your truck. I'd see your friends drive by. I was miserable, even with my (non-labeled) relationship.
Then, a week later, I saw that your Photo changed on Instagram. She was no longer in your bio, and a football photo replaced your old profile picture of you and Her. I looked at Her social media. Different photo. Your name was gone. We are still under quarantine. I dont know what the story is, but you are single now.
But now I'm the one that's taken. Even though the relationship isn't official. [Even though I would drop everything for you]. (not anymore)
We live in such a small town. You on the far side, and I live by the county line. She lived on a road that isn't even 5 miles away. You still never came over to hang.
During all this, I've realized.
I have realized something. I no longer Love you. Sure, I miss you, and sure, I want to be friends again. but I am better off without you. I have people who care about me, and I can do better than you. We may have had history, but now we are history. If you need someone to talk to, I am right here Reid. But i'm over you.
the first time I saw you, I've found out, was a demolition derby. The same one you were in, but 8 years prior. I forgot all about you, but you never forgot about me. your obsession in elementary and middle school proves that. I will never be able to forget you, we are too entwined. And I don't hope to try.
And a part of me will always love you, as a heart can never un-love someone, unless you were never in love in the first place. but, I dont need you. I dont want you. And now I'm happy without you.
Now go be happy, too.
There is no ending to our story. And there never will be.
just as the world keeps turning and the tide keeps coming back,
And how the seasons are always in a loop, No one's story is ever complete. But that's ok.
I'm going to end the story of us right here. this chapter of my life is finished. I will always know you, but I don't need to love you.
And our story ends, and I am at peace.