t's not meant to be fluffy, or cute, and it will be triggering, so read it at your own discretion. triggers: sexual assault relationship abuse mental abuse planned (not exacted) rape ptsd depression various others
i met Kellen through my best friend on August 10th, 2016. it was the 3rd day of my freshman year of high-school, and i was exited to start out at my dream high school on a nice scholarship.
i was in a class with some sophomores, and they aid that in high school, you have to have a guy. it's what you have to do. I know that's wrong now, but I was 13. and after a week, Kellen was the only guy showing any interest in me, and he asked if i wanted to be his girlfriend.
now, i didn't want to, but it was what was expected, i suppose. (it actually wasn't. the girls were just the school whores) i convinced myself to like him, since i was stuck with him. to this day i do not know how i managed it.
but by the second week of our relationship, it was a nightmare.
he started to try to touch me. not hand holding, but keeping his had around my waist, even when i said to stop, or touching my butt. i asked the girls, and they said that it was normal, and that he can do whatever he wants, because he's the guy.
I kept it from my friend, and my mom, and my cousin who went to the school. I regret that to this day. and it only got worse....
he started to drag me away to the auditorium more and more, or into the stair well. he would force his way into my mouth, and I thought I was fully lesbian because of how repulsed I was about his kiss.
then, he started to touch me under my clothes. he started under my shirt, but the day after he dived right in to touching me under my bra. a couple days later and he was shoving his hands into my pants.
i was still keeping it all a secret, and was becoming more skittish and reserved. people were noticing, and I didn't want that. if it was expected and normal, why should i feel so ashamed? it was my pain, that i felt i had to carry alone and privately.
i isolated more and more. he asked if there was any way my mom would let me have a "study date" with im more and more. my mom didn't like me being friends with him, and she didn't know we were dating. there was already a rule that stated no going to peoples houses unless my mom liked them.
i was underdeveloped and small. my health condition left me frail and breakable, so I gave that as a reason that we couldn't have sex. he listened to a doctor more than he did to the word "NO."
I was becoming weaker and weaker. he had tons of allergies, and my lunch that my mom packed was full of stuff he couldn't eat. so I stopped eating whenever I was near him. I ate 1 meal a day, when I was supposed to have 4.
people were really noticing. i couldn't heft my rucksack anymore (JROTC scholarship), i stopped smiling and laughing whenever he was near, and i did not speak about Kellen. they never saw me eat, and they kept asking if i was ok. i insisted i was fine.
He broke up with me at the end of September, but the damage was done. October is always hard, since it was then that my first Mother Figure passed, and that year, i was more lost than ever. i never sat with my friends. i stopped talking and eating even more. i cried a lot, but never in front of people.
if you dont have a guy, what are you? and when that guy was the only link to the world you hadn't severed, how do you survive? i couldn't handle it all.
my grades went from straight A's to all F's. my scholarship was about to be ripped away. my parents saw and tried to force it out of me, and couldn't. so my mom found someone who could hack and found security footage.
the school didn't do anything about it, never investigated him. mom didn't bring it up to me until i broke down and told her. it was mid December, and i had just told my cousin, my friend, and all my superior officers. they demoted him, but there wasnt much that they could do.
he told EVERYONE what he did, and that i never stopped him, so that was consent. i was socially excluded, while he got off scot free. he got beat up on the daily when i left the school, by people I know, and that i helped. the only time people got through my bauble is if I though i could help someone .
i left the school and went online, ecause the local high-school would've been worse for me. i lost touch with everyone, including my cousin, and my bestfriend (who became lost in his own right with his failed relationships and how he couldn't stop blaming himself for what happened)
i became more and more isolated, and i became more and more depressed. if anyone even hugged me, i would flinch. my dad still does not now what happened. im keeping it that way.
Kellen went to do it to more and more girls, and no one did anything to stop him. i felt like i wasn't worth anything because i didn't fuck him. i felt unclean and worthless. somedays i still feel that way, over 4 years later. still feel his hands, his breath, him.
I reconnected with my best friend last winter. And He's No Longer friends with Kellen. we talk, and he goes to college near me. ( had moved) i went to his graduation party and met his girlfriend (that he's planning to propose to🤫) lige is getting better.
the girl that was after me reached out to me this summer. we've bonded over our shared experience, and we are email pen-pals. Maya is a great girl. i pray what happened to me doesn't happen to anyone else, but i know it will, and i know it was.
i can't handle physical contact very well, but all the people I know know generally that I was abused my my first boyfriend. i don't stay in relationships long. my only other 2 relationships lasted for a week, and 2 weeks. both times I was ghosted. I've given up on someone loving me back.
the world is uncertain, and listening to children made it more uncertain tome. I will never get back what I lost to him, and I don't expect to. but I know that I will continue to get better.
but if i see him around, they will find him in an alley. and i know how not to get caught.
I'm getting better, and I'll heal. the wounds will leave scars, and those marks will never leave. fade, yes. but leave, never. but as long as the wound closes, I'll be fine. but it ill take a while, like it always does to heal.
personal note: i wrote this for the daily prompt "hands" but I already posted once for the prompt, and I wasn't ready to post it yet. so I'll post it today. thank you for reading❤ if any of this has ever happened to you, please reach out. bad things happen when you try to shoulder it alone.