It's been quite a summer...
A summer that felt like a lot of firsts.
This past year, I subconsciously built this emotional wall, preventing myself to not feel past a certain point with another. Everything was pretty surfaced level, and I was happy...
honestly I was. I was safe, I felt protected in my personal invisible fort and there was nothing anyone could do to snap me out of it.
But there are people out there... people who somehow raise a fire in your heart you thought for sure was burnt out. There's people out there that makes you laugh a lot louder...
walk a little taller..
Kiss you and leave honey on your lips, touch you and leave their prints on your heart, embrace you and leave the warmth of a wool blanket.
There's people out there.. that will break down your walls brick by brick, exposing your beauty.. your flaws and fears.. as you pray they'll somehow still want you..
I've learned with all the material and shallow things of this world, the true key to happiness is human connection. Eye contacts, hand holding, sharing deepest secrets, sharing nerdy interests..
feeling like... "finally... someone gets me".
As short lived as it was, I had that..
When I had it, I never took it for granted. And now all I feel.. are tears pregnant with questions.. confusion.. and feeling like i lost a best friend..
If he's confused on why I fell, then there's so much he doesn't know...
He doesn't seem to understand:
The comfort I'd feel from every kiss he'd lay on my thighs. The warmth that would go through my body to watch him do it.. was the most precious feeling I think I could ever thank him for.
The night at the park when we spoke of different galaxies, religion, ambitions and forgiveness, felt like I could listen for hours as I laid on his chest.
His voice always made me want to listen for hours...
I'd always want to say: "teach me everything you think you know". lol.
If I would tried to seem serious or reserved... it was only because every time he came around my heart would pound, my mind would scramble, my stomach in knots.
My senses were always filled with anticipation and nerves, unease and excitement, naked... and open.
The passion in his eyes electrified me, his touches often awakened me.
I don't think he's ever understood the affect he's had on me. Nor understand, that this was the happiest I felt in a long time.
This one night by the Brooklyn bridge, he gave me a kiss.. that made me forget everything that ever made me feel small in my life. Anything that made me feel like nothing.
Anything that made me feel invaluable.. was forgotten.
If I can hold on to any piece of him, it would be that night.
But I think what he mostly doesn't know is what I'm most grateful for of all... his ability to make me see the greatness inside of me. Convincing me that anything is possible.
This is the gift that's been keeping me strong today..
I don't think he understood... women with my history value such things most women think come a dime a dozen.
I saw him. I felt him.
I felt it...
And it was more than I anticipated.
It was more than I was prepared for.
It was my more than I could handle because next thing I knew, my heart ran wild.
And I was falling with absolute uncertainty and restraint.
I was falling with fear and tried to stand firm on a ground I wasn't sure he was walking with me on.
Why did you expose yourself to me... and let me expose myself to you? Allowing me to see parts of your heart that would draw me in closer...?
Did you think I was blind and deaf? Completely obtuse to what was standing right in front of me? Did you not want me to notice?
Did you want me to take you for granted, did you want me to not care? If you wanted me to care less.. why didn't you just say so..
So what now...
We both go back to meaningless kisses with beings who don't quite get us... believes in us... yearn for us the way we did...
Or the way I did you...
Do you.. ever think of me?
Ever just... miss me?
Were we even real.. was this all in my head..
If I'm questioning anything else... one thing that's for absolute certain:
I tried to fight it. I swear I did.
I never wanted to want you..
You.. just took over.
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough...
"To be human is to love, even when it gets too much. I'm not ready to give up." - Sia