Sometimes, I get paralyzed with depression.
Unable to move, often for hours.
I do nothing, accomplish nothing.
I stare, into a pit of darkness.
I've needed to do the dishes for days.
I'll go a week without a shower.
Simply unable to care.
Even unable to care for myself.
It makes me a burden.
Unable to pull my weight at home.
That makes me more depressed,
and a vicious cycle begins.
I hate myself.
I feel worthless.
The feelings, so intense.
Do you know what it's like to live,
with suicidal ideation?
To dream and hope for death.
To literally wish you were dead.
It is a hard way to live.
But I do it.
Because I have a wife.
I have kids.
They love me.
They would miss me.
Even when I don't love myself.
Yet it's hard to only live for others.
It leaves you an exhausted shell,
and you aren't the person your loved ones deserve.
So you want to die all over again.
Depression hurts the whole family.
I didn't see that for the longest time.
Now I see how it hurts them,
and I want to cry.
How do I get out of this vicious cycle?
I'm going back to intensive therapy.
I'm trying to communicate more with my wife,
and express my gratitude to her.
Because I can't be easy to live with.
I've realized that as much as I want to fix this myself.
As much as I want to conceal it.
Because I need help.