My name is Joshua. I am 36 approaching 37, and I am cutter. It started years ago. I was getting laid off. I sat, alone, in the basement of my parents’ house. They were getting a divorce.
I had to stay there a few weeks for work reasons.
I don’t remember why. But my knife ended up in my hand and I carved a pattern on my arm and leg. I cried. Called my wife. Told her. And started therapy. That stopped it for a while.
Later, a new job. A promotion I not only wanted, but needed. Psychologically. A week of anxiety before the interview. Then, the interview on a Friday. On Saturday the wild fire started.
Denied the promotion, while I sat in an evacuee camp. Wondering if my home would survive.
I don’t know when it started again but it was during the fire. I started cutting at work. Constantly. Over and over. All along my feet. Trying to hide the scars from my wife.
They upset her greatly.
More therapy. But I couldn’t stop. I started writing poetry. It helped some. And people started listening to me. That was the craziest part. Now everyone knows I’m a cutter.
If you google search my name. That pops up. Oops. Now I can’t find a new job.
I still couldn’t stop though, so I went to my boss. Told her, and gave her my knife. She forced me in to group therapy. But I needed it. It was really good.
I finally returned to work a new person.
Then I had a relapse. And now my work is treating me like I’m a danger to everyone else. Which irritates me. I went to them for help, not judgement. I am a danger to no one but myself.
They are going to actually write me up for the relapse. For having a “weapon” at work. So you know, that’s what happens and how you’re treated when mentally ill at work.
Nevertheless I haven’t cut in nearly two months. I’m desperately waiting for a tattoo appointment.
I need a bit of pain, but more importantly I need the sense of empowerment that comes from permanently changing your body. I told myself that I can’t get it if I cut. So I am resisting.
That’s my story of how I ended up here. Thank you for following. If you hit like on any of my works I will assume that means you support me not cutting.