It feels like time has stopped completely.
A hopeless void that I am constantly trying to fill with meaningless activities -
Mind-numbing, pretending I cannot feel what's going on around me.
Even in my dreams I see the world as it is now,
Masks everywhere, markets empty,
When I wake up from sleep, I am online.
Searching the news for the latest statistics,
The latest deaths,
Scouring everything for a single shred of hope the end of this is near.
I feel my depression sneak in,
My floor in my room must have an outline of me for how often I lay curled up
In the one corner of the room where tears overtake me, and I cry.
I cry for my health,
I cry for those who have died,
who are sick,
I cry for the forgotten,
I cry for the poor,
I cry for those who don't think anyone will cry for them.
My anxiety reaches new peaks and my paintings make no sense.
I can't focus on TV,
I don't sleep.
Instead I sit outside
Smoking trying to focus my breathing on an inhale,
Hold one, two, three,
Until my brain can focus again.
Sometimes I just sit in the garden watching the sun move across the sky.
Wishing it would pick me up with them.
Like if I stood on my tippy-toes I might just be able to reach it.
And on my days I feel numb and normal,
I make my curls extra curly,
I wear bright makeup,
And I go out into the new normal world.
I exchange the worried eyes with others,
I keep my head down low, pull my mask up higher, gloves on tighter.
And each time I get home I relight my Mother Mary candle vigil, and I pray all the prayers,
I count my blessings,
I pray Hail Mary,
I do the Rosary,
And I get ready to repeat the same day;
Just a new day of the week,