"Suicide is a sin because you're beating God at his own game,"
That's what you once told me.
You told me that I cannot die,
I must live to see the flowers that bloom early in the season,
And I must encourage the small child on their bike
that one day they'll forget they never knew how to ride.
You told me I needed to see all the sunsets and sunrises
So, I can count my days by color and the shape of the clouds,
And you told me to look up into the blue skies and follow it until it
Lands into somebody's eyes,
And when I see those blue eyes if my heart doesn't skip a beat and
My stomach doesn't flutter,
Then I didn't follow the sky long enough,
I looked below me too soon.
You also told me that blue eyes aren't the whole world.
You told me that green eyes melt into the warm cup of tea on a cold afternoon,
With a hint of honey in their hair,
Their bodies will be a blanket to hold me when I am scared;
But don't worry because sometimes you need brown eyes
Like a fresh pot of coffee in the morning to raise you up,
To be the freshness you need to see,
And to be the laziness you feel on a hot summer day.
But again, maybe you prefer the soft hazel eyes
When your body is weak with exhaustion and
You need the colors of calmness to reel you back in and when you can't
Decide if you want Coffee or tea, so you say, "If I can't have both, I'll have none."
You told me I cannot die because I need to find the hidden treasures in the mountains,
And the small things people often overlook when they see.
You told me to hear the wind howl, sure,
But to listen for the silence that follows afterwards.
You told me to splash in the river and to wash myself with the
Pureness because that's the closest thing to a Godlike thing I'll ever feel.
You told me to watch the sunrise in the morning so I can wait all day for the sunset,
And I can count how many stars at night,
I'll be able to see and to make a wish on every sparkle.
I can count because anything can come true if you wish and work hard enough.
You told me to roll in the green meadows and to not
Pick the flowers because even they have a home in the earth,
You told to feel the earth's wonders beneath my feet,
To touch ever rock I thought was cool,
And to stand at each mountain top and breathe the fresh air because love,
You're never going to see the same thing twice.
When I travelled to a new country you told me to try all the new foods and
Drink in all the new wonders and to talk with all the people.
You told me to learn new things and adapt a new way of life because even if the way you're living works;
You can always learn something new.
You told me to look at the stars each night if I feel lost because someone
I love is looking at them too,
And you told me that I am never alone in my sadness.
You told me that I needed to explore every corner and read all the books so I can find someone just like me.
You told me I cannot die because I have so much to learn that I don’t know still,
I had papers to write,
Math to complete,
Theories to memories,
And history to repeat itself in the form of a classroom lecture.
You promised me that it would be worth it to learn and know what knowledge
I have because someone else in the world would love to learn what
I know and I have the power to teach someone else.
You told me to never give up on myself even when the bullies got me down,
Even when the girls in the locker room threw shoes at me for being gay,
Even when the PE teacher wouldn’t listen,
Even when I stopped listening to myself you told me I had to keep going.
You told me to take care of this body that I have,
To love the skin I was given, to love the mind I have created,
To love myself even when I hate myself.
You told me I wouldn’t survive without being my own friend.
When I was down, and my head was between my knees shaking when anxiety took over
Going over every worst thing that could happen and my depression told me I was useless
I had you sit next to me and hold me tighter and tighter because
I was not the superglue that could hold myself together, I was broken and too tired to do it myself.
And you whispered again to me that I cannot die because there’s people in the world dying every day,
I cannot die because I have a mother who loves me
And brothers who need me
And a dog who depends on me.
You told me I had friends who cared for me
And teachers who believed in me,
And lovers who’d love me for everything I am and everything I am not.
You told me that I could not kill myself because
I had so many beautiful and wonderful reasons not to.
And in the heat of the moment, I was so tired of your voice, And so sick of your words, And so, beaten down,
I shattered you.
So, if I could go back in time and change one thing from my past,
I would have tried to listen to your words a little longer And stopped myself from
Breaking the mirror.