When I crashed on this Dwarf planet, called Exori Alpha-276XB which is part of the Outfield of deep space in a galaxy called Fornax C2, a lot of things went through my head.
But my years of training took over, before all I checked if anything in my spaceship still worked.
Communications - broken
Thrusters - broken
Electricity - enough for a few weeks
Food - almost none left
Air - as much as I had electricity left.
Then I went through the map of Fornax C2. This planet was only a small pixel just barely visible to the naked eye.
A planet no one will look on, only bare stone and not enough minerals to make it worth the hassle of landing. One second of not paying attention had spelled my doom.
Deep space is a dangerous place to go, but even though we have mapped out most of the planets and dwarfs it was still important for scouts like me to go to these planets,
to find out if there is anything useful on the planets.
The dwarf planet itself was dark, in the shadow of a giant planet rotating around two far away stars.
This darkness made it very difficult for me to get out of my spaceship. After my training a deep and harrowing panic kicked in.
Inside I had a little bit of light, the lamp which was supposed to light up the cockpit was broken and only a small light was flickering.
This all sparked in me my childhood fear of the dark, which caused the panic I spoke of.
The light brought lifely shadows on the walls of my cockpit, making me think something was standing outside.
Scared as I was I rolled up to a ball and hoped, even though I knew it wasn't going to happen, that someone would fly through and rescue me.
That had been a few weeks ago, I lost count. I had stopped checking the numbers about electricity and oxygen.
If it was my time, it would be my time.
There was nothing I could do about it, so I thought it better not to burden myself with the knowledge. Now sitting here in the dark only with my thoughts I sometimes do get scared again.
About things I can't even imagine, conceptualize, picture. From out of my spaceship it never had crossed my mind.
But now stuck on this small planet with only the giant planet or the vast openness of space to look to I started to see how insignificant we are again.
Not we, I am. I am here alone, alone with only space to accompany me. I can't even see small stars giving off their light hundreds of light-years away from me.
A distance so far a normal human mind would not be able to visualize it. Not even begin to understand what that distance means in the mind blowing vastness of the universe.
Staring into space means staring back into time, my own star so far away it may only be a little speck or even less in the vast darkness of the sky.
This is what bothers me now, not my fear of the dark I had in my youth.
The fear of the unknown, of such massive space that makes my own life so insignificant that I feel shame about hoping someone would come to save me.
I will spend my last days or hours sitting on a tiny rock, on a tiny planet in a small galaxy in the enormous vastness of the thing we have given the name the universe.
A name I now find not worthy of what I'm seeing, feeling.
We small humans are not worthy of giving names to things we don't understand, we are not made to understand.
How can you give a name, something to describe the being of a thing, when you don't understand the thing.
How is it possible to to put something as big as what I'm watching now in a tiny box which is its name.
I now think that we are not worthy of this power. The power to name things gives us the power to understand it. But if we can't understand it, are we worthy of giving it a name?
I don't know at the moment, the only thing I know is this darkness around me and my brain trying in vain to take a concept that is impossible to visualize and imagine what it means.
What does it mean to be human in this universe, is there any power or pride that comes with it if it is possible that we are only one of millions.
Our planet only a miniscule dot in our galaxy, let alone the whole universe.
And yet still some are certain there is no other life out there.
This I doubt, I doubt it very much.
This punity I feel, who are we in light of the dimensions of this black abyss that we call our universe holds. I feel it pressing on my body, my body and my mind.
I may have gone mad these past few days, if I can even call them days.
I feel like I'm stuck in a timeless curse forced to look into this space. Beings I can't imagine lurking in the darkness. The feeling of being able to see them but not able to understand it.
Beings so giant and vast that it would overload my brain with information. I fear that if I see them I would be reduced to a gibbering creature, but looking away is impossible.
I need food, I need water, I need something that isn't being alone with myself and looking out into the nothing. This emptiness in me, my stomach not having gotten anything in a long time.
That emptiness only feeding my fear and growing hysteria.
The madness will take over, I only have the flickering light of the lamp in my ship to keep me on this plane of thought.
But soon that too will be gone and then loneliness will truly fall down on me.
Then I will sit here and wait for an unidentifiable horror to wash down over me. From out the stars it may come. My.
Mind is telling me things, talking to me about things I don't know, I can't comprehend. It's making me see things, I don't know what is and isn't there anymore.
The visions seem so real, so real. I will suddenly see small dots, and those small dots of light start to move.
The darkness holding that thing that scares people most.
The thing in the dark, the unseen, the unknown. And it will descent upon me.
Now I will come face to face, and it scares me. It really does, this new fear I have found makes it impossible to think rationally. I am not able to think clearly anymore. The stars, they move.
It's getting closer, I need to leave. I need to leave now. It's coming. Something is out there, I'm not crazy!
I can feel it, its here.
Its coming, no not for me. Not for this miniscule speck of dust.
No its coming for everything, its coming for it all.
The Outfield, the edge of the universe it holds a great beast.
It hungers, the Foe from outside the universe.
I don't think it is even a beast.
Bright light washes over me as the giant planet disappears.
The two stars i can see now, finally there is light.
And in this light I shall have my final moments.
The two stars burn themselves into my eyes but I don't care.
I know now that there are things out there.
I know now that they are coming.
Not for us, no, they are coming for our universe.
And with this knowledge I delve into madness as my eyes get burned out.