Am I the problem?
I asked this of myself for the past almost full four weeks, ever since I fell into trouble and hardship with someone I considered one of my closest friends. I think I loved her, genuinely.
But I did not know how to handle it, how to communicate it.
How to be understood. I never knew how to deal with things like that. How to tell her about them.
And now... After a brief discussion, she made it clear to me.
She never wants to interact with me in any shape or form ever again. For the betterment of her mental health.
I understand that... But it hurts. Why does it have to hurt? I cannot go back to a game I love and have played for the past 14 years because I fear seeing her there.
I fear seeing her there with other people, being happy. Content. And I'm simply on the sidelines, miserable, still somehow alive despite two close calls.
I don't know.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing now that my life has become void of any reason and direction. Where am I supposed to go.
She was an amazing person who I envied for her social skills and beauty and ability to write and create. We created many beautiful things together...
But I ruined it all. I made her time and time again question the worth of keeping me as a friend, and I squandered every chance she gave me.
I never improved. I never got better.
I was a worthless, damaging friend who only made her life more and more difficult by giving her hardship after hardship with my jealousy, envy, insecurity, and inability to communicate.
What's the point. I hardly can go back to a game I love because it reminds me of her. I see her everywhere, because I got her to love the same places I love in that game.
And now she enjoys them with others, without me.
Never again with me.