The year is 2031, the great sliced bologna that was once so abundant, is all but extinct.
The taste of fried bologna is a fleeting memory, that leaves your mouth salivating and your heart hurting.
2031 Kurt Russell equipped with a hand cannon that shoots frozen ground beef at the speed of light, wouldn't stand for this. He seen the pain that no fried bologna brings.
The children losing hope because their arteries are clear and healthy. Mothers crying and shouting to the heavens "Damn you god!!!" wondering what their new born babies will eat.
Fathers working overtime for a miniscule slice of bologna, that could barely feed his morbidly obese family.
The US government recently obtained intel that Neptune is home to a civilization of beings made of bologna, it's a long shot to say the least.
But as Kurt Russell always says "If I ever have the chance to overthrow a civilization of people made of bologna on Neptune for the survival of an obese mankind, you bet your butt I'll do it!".
The US government didn't hesitate to call in Kurt Russell for this top secret mission " Operation Captain Ron and The Bologna Meltdown" he took the job.
Kurt Russell hopped in his slammed 1981 El Camino and peeled out on the front lawn of the white house.
He raced home, told his wife he's going to an arm wrestling convention that he's judging and tucked his original copy of Big Trouble in little China in and kissed it good night.
And away he went to the space x launch site. Elon Musk is overseeing the operation he shakes Kurt Russell's hand and tells him what a huge fan he is of Martin Short.
Musk preforms his rich man voodoo dance and throws out stacks of cash to turn Kurt Russell's 1981 El Camino into a 1981 El Camino that can now fly in space.
They know Kurt Russell can't do this on his own so they bring in the greatest Americans that ever lived. First the muscle, 1997 Stone Cold Steve Austin drinking a few beers and raising hell.
Second the brains, Jimmy Fallon wearing a pair of glasses. Third the love interest, a wrinkled old Hillary Clinton that may just be a mummy gone rogue.
And last the butt kicking mixed martial arts team of Betty White and Tom Cruise. The day has come the team is suited up and ready to rumble.
President Nicholas Cage kisses each on the forehead and picks each up by the crotch and by the throat and holds them up for the thousands in attendance to say farewell to.
First the captain Kurt Russell, he gives em the thumbs up and assures them it's all in the reflexes (The crowd cheers and let's him know he's still America's sweet heart) .
Second Tom Cruise, he says Scientology has his back and he does his own stunts so no worries (thunderous applause follows).
Third Hillary Clinton who's still a bit dusty from being in her tomb,
is admittedly upset that she lost this election to Nicholas Cage but says Gone in 60 seconds is her favorite movie real talk (The crickets love her and scream for her safe return).
Fourth Betty White, the world knows she's immortal (Tears of joy flow freely).
Last but not least the Texas Rattlesnake, he cracks open a couple of Steveweisers gives em the bird and he's on his way (Glass Shatters).
They cram into the El Camino ship, Nicholas Cage wishes them a safe return and gives them a list of cars to steal.
10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 blast off! The sound of tummies rumbling for fried bologna shake the earth itself. They break the atmosphere and they're on their way.
Tom Cruise says he has to pee, Betty White sternly says you should have went before we left and orders Stone cold to stun Cruise so that he can sleep it off. He obliges.
Kurt Russell knows this is a bit of a rocky start but he believes in the all American team he turns and looks at his crew and starts a heart felt speech about the importance of this mission
and how they have to work together and lift each other up.
But before he can finish he's interrupted by Jimmy Fallon giggling and talking about Justin Timberlake and warning the team they're headed straight for an asteroid field.
Kurt Russell braces and says hang on things are going to get bumpy! Boom! Pow! Pop! The old Camino takes a beating but she'll make it.
Jimmy Fallon let's everyone know they're not out of trouble yet, a 2 headed fire breathing space sea turtle is coming right for them.
Everyone gets to their battle stations and throw everything they got at this monster. It's no use a 2 headed fire breathing sea turtle is just too strong.
Betty White knows what she has to do,
she puts on her space walk suit tells team to live full lives and says she's never been one to beat up turtles but says if she has to it may as well be
the 2 headed fire breathing sea turtle variety. She opens the hatch and jumps from the Camino everyone looks on in shock as she delivers a beat down like no other to this space monster.
The team lives to fight another day, but at what cost.
" I can't believe Betty sacrificed herself to a 2 headed fire breathing sea turtle" they bow their heads shed a tear and proclaim "That's so Rose.
" They journey on, 6 years has passed and everyone is starting to wonder why the only nourishment they have is moon pies and red bull.
Tom Cruise wakes up from the stunner in his suit field with pee, ask for guidance from Xenu. Xenu obliges and says "Yo straight up, Mission impossible is lit keep that up.
" Cruise puts on his socks, slides out the back hatch and begins his flight back to earth to begin production on Mission Impossible 23. The team is devastated about losing another team member.
9 years has now passed Kurt Russell is praying for Big Trouble in little China 2 to happen. Stone Cold is running low on Steveweisers.
Hillary Clinton is working up an evil scheme to become president. And Jimmy Fallon has been skyping Justin Timberlake for 4 years now and Justin still hasn't finished a sentence.
They take a little snooze, and wake up with a headache thinking about the crazy dream that each just had 12 years has now passed.
They've arrived at Neptune the smell of bologna fills the space air. "If you want me to open a can of invasion give me a hell yeah!" "Hell Yeah!" The team replies.
They enter Neptunes gravity, Tom Petty's free falling blares from the speakers. They touch down and show the bologna people what America is about...
Freedom! And fried balogna! They get what they came for but not without a fight, the battle rages on for 1 1/2 years. But they get the job done.
They head back for the ship with angry bologna people hot on their heels.
Xenu's voice enters the team's conscious and proclaims "Giggle and interrupt them, that's their only weakness" Jimmy Fallon knows what he must do.
He stops and turns and faces the bologna people and challenges them to a lip sync battle. He keeps them at bay.
The team makes it back to the ship and get the heck out of there, they honour Jimmy Fallon for his sacrifice. They're on their way home.
It's all smooth sailing but not for long, the reactor doesn't seem to have the juice to make it.
Xenu's voice is heard once more "Yo give the reactor a stunner!
" Stone cold knows what he must do he jumps up runs to the reactor and says quietly to himself "If you want me to give this reactor a stunner give me a hell yeah!" "Hell yeah!" He replies to himself. He delivers a time bending stunner and it kicks it into overdrive. It burns Stone Colds shadow to the wall as it turns him to dust with his 2 middle fingers in the air. Godspeed Texas Rattlesnake, Godspeed.
Hillary Clinton knows this is her chance, if she brings the bologna back she knows she'll be America's sweet heart and the next president! (She laughs maniacally) but Kurt Russell never trusted her in the first place and pulls out his speed of light frozen beef shooter and proclaims "Its all in the reflexes"
And boom! He Saves the world 2 times in one go. Kurt Russell sees earth, he enters the gravitational pull the Camino starts heating up he's not sure if it'll hold He prays to Xenu. Xenu arrives and says "For a few thousand, I can help" Kurt Russell obliges and makes a safe landing on earth.
But there is no welcome home party, 150 years has passed on earth. Everyone is now vegan, and they're all on board that meat is murder and they banish Kurt Russell. Big Trouble in little China 2 never happened. The End