Longingly I stared, chin resting on my knuckles. The sky looked so whole that day, the clouds a fuzzy white. The sun lay out of perspective, but it was bright all the same.
It looked nice and hot out there, but i couldn't tell you about that. I stood tightly at my best out looking window. I hadn't been out side in days.
I had grown up, as a blade of grass. I danced with the wind, and only came inside after being tracked down and in. It was a fight to get me to leave the undersky.
My grandparents had to wrestle me every evening.
The three years I spent with them, from the time I was five to the time I was eight, those years were probably the most sane.
Living in stability was nice, my mothers wreckage from before was all i had known, so i didn't feel wounded, I just felt, different. I felt relief to be some where different.
But years pass by, and you loose control from time to time, and here i am...
Looking out this window had become my exertion. It was the same to me now, as those days spent walking in the same direction for hours, never seeing the same scene twice.
Yes, looking into this dull patch of grass, and thankfully, the moving scenes of clouds, had become my adventure. It had finally become, the most outward thing i could bring myself to do.
I walked away from the window seal feeling a little weighed down. Because I had done so much. Been so much. I remember skating on wheels as fast as i could.
Gliding down the wooden flooring with the music blaring, people all around, and they were laughing and screaming, and looking this way and that. Pointing in this direction then that.
Some with smiles, some not so.... But none of it mattered to me then. At the beach, before i was conscious of my own presences, how i galloped up and down the span of sand...
How i thought nothing of myself and only of the beauty of this world.
And then to look at me on this day I am speaking of, to be filled and so full of so many things which hold me into this house. Its been days since I've walked through the door.
The faces at the grocery store, have even become to overwhelming. I see judgement in all the eyes I look at now. A judgment so devastating.
A judgement so painful, that even a passing car by my back yard ignites the remembrance of years of never being good enough to love.
And so i haven't left the house for days.