The day was started with work around the house. Then 9 hours at the job with stress to be followed by a meeting with crushing news I wished I was wrong about. Then more work to take care of my ailing mom.
I now know that everything I was to the one who called me her best friend I am now to be nothing replaced by someone else.
I’m weary and empty inside, darkness, yes my constant friend consumed the last of hope and light in me.
8pm I am so tired and drained I give in and head to bed after one last clean of the house. I now realize this is all my life will be, work, work at home and me alone without friends.
I take some meds to try and help me sleep. And lay down in my tomb like room as my mind starts it screaming at me.
There’s laughter in there and tears out on my face, the knowledge that I am a joke and a disgrace. What have I done to be rejected so, as blackness consumes my very soul.
10pm I wake once more, my dreams jar me awake with fear of my moms harm. Silence surrounds me on the blacken room, while daggers of regret stab at my mind and laugh at my gloom
It’s 1 am awake one more my dreams a series of failures and people wishing me harm I stare at my phone look for any messages though from who I would not know.
My sleep is filled with violent dreams memories of everything failed by me. The question always present in my head maybe it’s better if I never wake up instead.
3am I’m soaked in sweat. Feverish dreams of love, dreams and promises destroyed, I feel my body and mind screaming for sleep, rest and no more memories. The one thing I have never accomplished or achieved.
I’m up before my alarm, almost sad I’m still here and have to get up. The cycle will now start anew, work upon work and always alone. My soul drained and pain in my mind and bones. The question remains unanswered again, why am I alive just to suffer, and when can I rest?