Okay so I'm really confused and oof I'm confused okay! I need help
So I just had my first job interview today... but when we got home I felt like I had this huge hole in my chest
All I could think of was Anna Blue and Damien Dawn songs and wishing I could have the same relationship they actually have
But then I thought of all the stuff they sell that I was gonna blow a shitton of money on
And all I could think as I looked at the posters on my walls was how childish I was
I just wanna cry and get rid of the hole in my chest that I feel every single fucking time I read something I want
I'm tired of being human, I'm childish enough to try and convince myself that I'm not
I read books and immerse myself in them to the point that if I'm reading a book, listening to music, or just watch a movie, for no fucking reason I start acting like the characters and how the artists portray themselves in videos.
I fool myself into thinking I could be as famous as my favorite bands if I could just get a band together so my songs had backgrounds
I listen to things like Anna Blue and think that Hey! She's only 21 and she has Damien and an amazing music career with her own merch.
I'm older than she was when she started I mean I'm 16 come on...Maybe I could be like that...
But then I looked in my mirror
I realize that I'm nothing like Anna.
She's lucky, she's pretty, she's German and multilingual, she's got an amazing boyfriend and an amazing life
I've got the worst luck in the world, I'm not pretty, I have awful character, I'm normal American, I'm barely bilingual if you can even consider it that, the last time I tried to be with someone he dropped me and ran to another girl the next day.
I honestly was someone who is a songwriter, good singer, maybe has a band willing to be anonymously famous ( say anonymously because I want to be recognized for my music, but not have people trailing me everywhere), pretty chill with things like posters all over the walls, tall, does dorky but sweet things, cool with doing duets,
maybe good with designing things on computers, cute, maybe into motorcycles and trucks...
knows how to fix cars, likes being outdoorsy... maybe not in the sun. And would be cool with running into the woods and never coming out. Who knows what it's like to feel broken... emo/punk/goth is cool... is as empty... listens... understands...
I know I know. Unrealistic standards.
I've given up guys
Who gives a shit if I leave
I'll take off and even my mom will maybe cry for a bit try to find me but eventually she'll give up
Not that I want to contact her
I have so many fucking voices in my head and I'm so fucking sad and tired and depressed
I'm tired of being around.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't know who I am anymore
I feel like I'm actually not human
Who knows right... lol
I don't know. I've got this hole in my chest and I can't get rid of it
I feel like eventually I'm going to get into a bad situation
And I'll just let whatever happens happen
I'll be totally honest with you guys. I am a Twilight fan. I have been for a while and I've always wanted to visit Forks. Issue? I planned on become savage. Purely living in the woods. Very little human contact. I'm going crazy right? I'm always super fucking paranoid.
I'm fucking retarded to ever think anything besides human exists. Myths are myths and they'll stay that way.
And then today my mom says I need to stop listening to some types of music or at least stop singing them in public... and I can't have her monitoring THAT too.
You know, she monitors my fucking email and everything in the world.
I'm so tired
My chest is hollow
I bet if you shot me right now nothing would happen
How do you live like you've already died?
Do you just choose to become cold
Do you just pretend you're okay like I've been doing as you quietly die inside?
I don't know.
But I'm tired of being alive
I'm tired of being human
I'm not special
I'm living like I've died
I'm tired of existing.
And I highly doubt anybody will really step up and fucking help. Sorry for the rant guys. But I'm tired of my mom monitoring everything. I feel hollow. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Someone please help...
Cause eventually there'll be nobody to help anymore.