When we were young we cried as a baby to let our parents know we wanted something, then we grew to cry over fallen ice creams or a skinned knee.
We may have cried after breaking a toe when laughing and walking backwards into a pool or even as a teenager over a heart break where we tried to hide our tears.
Now this book is not to dismiss issues of war, poverty, or diseases but to let you know that you’re not alone.
I want to let you know that those thoughts you had making you feel inadequate, insecure, or different from the rest of the world are thoughts we all have.
I have always thought once I was in high school everything would be amazing.
My first boyfriend would be the one I married, I would get amazing grades that would lead to an amazing career, and I would be a princess at prom.
None of these things happened except for my grades, instead I disliked high school and found out I was not a people person.
I clinged to my first boyfriend for dear life, hoping he was my soul mate.
Let’s just say he wasn’t the greatest and maybe in his eyes I wasn’t the greatest but I do know he tore my heart into shreds and maybe even my hopes that were so high.
I lowered my expectations and got to college where I learned everything was much harder then expected and my grades dropped. Here I am wanting something greater and I have yet to find it.
For now I will share my thoughts, I wish I would have known earlier that I wasn’t alone. Hopefully my most unwanted feelings and thoughts help give you ease.
It’s hard to think of life alone, no matter how many times I say I dislike people. We are human and need contact from others.
It seems as I grow older everyone else is moving on while I’m still stuck in adolescence, that stage between a teenager and an adult.
I feel as if I’m still learning and not absorbing, nothing seems to stay. Everyone seems to be becoming their best selves as I lie here in the dust.
Even having an amazing partner, best friend, and family it still seems empty. That best friend is getting married and moving in with her fiancé, currently living with me for over a year.
It’s hard for me to imagine giving up something so precious to an absolute stranger and being fine with it.
When she speaks of all the wonderful things she’s moving on to, all I can think about is how I’ll still be laying here in the dust.
It makes me tear up but I don’t look her in the face because I don’t want her to think I’m holding her back from life. Everyone moves on. Except for me. I’m still here.
Going to classes is like typing these words. Since we were old enough we were taught to read, write, and listen.
We were taught to sit in a chair for hours a day and accept everything that we see, learn everything we can.
In reality we learn and forget, maybe some of it is retained but it all seems pointless. I move on from lecture to lecture barely passing, uninterested.
How do I meet their expectations if I can’t experience what I’m being taught. Everyone wants to make enough money to survive but is this the only way? It feels as if I’m missing out on life.
As I stare at projector and white boards, everything outside of the class room continues to move and grow while I sit here in envy.
Having to learn things I can’t relate to, that don’t make me happy and that I can’t feel in my soul. Whether you believe you have a soul or not, you know what it feels like to be happy.
Maybe you’ve only been happy once, but you know when you’re not happy. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. I’m not fulfilled. What else is their to life then this?
To be continued...