To the mother I will never know
It’s been nineteen years now
Nineteen long years of mysteries
Mysteries of who I am
Mysteries of where I come from more specific than just a city
Most importantly, mysteries of who you are
My mother has told me about what happen
She’s told me all there is to know about the first three years of my life
She has done her best to tell me all there is to know
But there are still many questions that she doesn’t have the answers to
I don’t hold any resentment towards her for not knowing those answers
But those questions do keep up at night, even to this day
I’ve heard about how you thought I was too sick of a child to keep me
How you left me in the hospital without so much as a name
Did you leave me there because you didn’t think I would make it through the night?
Or was it that you simply didn’t want me?
My family tells me it’s because I was sick, but deep down there is still a part of me that will always think that it’s because you didn’t want me
I’ve heard how I have an older sister and younger brother
I don’t know their names, but I know I have them
The fact that struck me hardest was when I found out that you and some other family member, whom we don’t know, decided to keep my little brother.
Is it because he was born a boy and I a girl?
Did you love him more than I?
As I lay in bed at night, I often think about what I would do if I were to meet you
The questions I would ask you Questions like: Did you love me?
Who was the family member who took my brother?
Would you even want to know me?
Who is my father?
These are some of the questions I will always have, but will never be able to ask
As I say all of this, I also think to myself that if I was offered an opportunity to meet you I really don’t know if I would take it.
My mother tells me all the time, that if I did meet you, the answers I would get would not be the ones I would want
She says I would be disappointed in what I would hear
I probably would be, but those answers would be better than never knowing truth
Because like everyone likes to say, the truth will set you free
This writing is to you
The mother I will never know
From the daughter that you gave up at birth