To face a painful past is difficult.
It hurts all the time.
You can't stop thinking about it, no matter how much you want to.
Memories of how you were hurt constantly flood your thoughts, and you blame yourself.
A little part of you knows that you couldn't have stopped it from happening. You can't make sense of it.
There is no acceptable reason for what he did.. but you desperately want one to exist.
So you make excuses for him.
You tell yourself all these lies, that it was your fault, and eventually you believe them.
You start to hate yourself.
For letting him hurt you, for not being strong enough... for still being scared.
You don't see how strong you truly are for just being here.
To live with such a thing is no easy task, my friend.
But you're doing it.
You discredit yourself and you feel undeserving of anything good because he stole your dignity.
He stole your sense of self-worth by leaving you to feel dirty.
You feel like you are the one who has done a horrible thing, and you stop loving yourself.
You stop letting yourself be happy
because you feel like you don't deserve it.
But you are wrong.
He did this.
He hurt you.
He is the one in the wrong here.
For no reason should you ever blame yourself for what he did.
He is the one who made the sick, twisted decision to rob you of so many important things.
He knew the consequences.
He knew what it would do to you, and he did it anyway.
Your heart is good.
You want to see the best in people, so he doesn't make sense.
He had no valid motivation. You don't want this to be the case. Though it's irrational, you cling to the hope that there is a reason.
There is nothing that can justify his actions.
You were not in the wrong.
Accepting that this kind of person exists?
Someone bad, impulsive, selfish beyond belief...
But my darling, the truth is an important thing. You need to know that he was wrong.
He knew what he was doing.
He knew how messed up it was, and he did it anyway.
How is it fair to blame yourself?
None of this is fair, especially not to you.
You are suffering from his actions more than he ever will.
I know it's a difficult thing to accept. You've told yourself the opposite for years, but you need to know that you still matter.
You are important.
You are loved.
And you deserve every good thing this world can offer you.
Maybe he left you broken.
But, my friend, that is ok.
Broken does not mean unfixable.