My Depression Has a Silver Lining
My Depression Has a Silver Lining  depression stories
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laurenloggins
laurenloggins Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   6 months ago
It starts off like a physical ailment, Weeks of chills and pain and fatigue, so I go...

My Depression Has a Silver Lining

It starts off like a physical ailment,

Weeks of chills and pain and fatigue, so I go...

They tell me it's not the flu

They tell me "you're not sick"

But then why do I feel aches in every joint

and a lethargy that never runs dry?

I am feeding a hunger unlike any I've ever known

with processed garbage that is easy to make, easy to eat

because I can't be bothered with food preparation when I can barely rouse myself out of bed.

The thermometer is a liar.

The doctor is a liar.

My manager is a liar.

Something is so deeply wrong, but I don't know the name

So I walk through the day with deep pain and anguish

My feet heavy, my heart throbbing, my head pounding

Tylenol doesn't fix it.

Rest doesn't fix it.

Watching a comedy doesn't fix it as I sit stone faced while everyone else laughs and all I can think as the funny man rattles off one liners is...maybe I should just kill myself.

Yea, maybe that would be better.

Maybe then the pain, and hunger, and ache, and darkness would leave me as I leave forever, finally finding reprieve in black nothingness. A permanent sleep, and sleep is my savior.

So I consider it as everyone considers what they want for dessert.

I am quiet, internal, contemplating my demise.

And I shock myself with how much I don't shock myself at all.

But I know this is wrong, and bad, so I go to the doctor again, and I say, "could this be depression?" and they say "yes, that's what this is!!" and prescribe me paxil.

I stare at the filled prescription bottle with trepidation and distrust.

I either will take this pill, and hope,

or drive to a bridge, and jump

So I take it, because it seems like the only thing to do.

I take it and nothing happens save a rolling stomach ache.

I still look at the mess in my house, and think,

It is pointless to clean it. It will just get messy again. If I died I wouldn't have to worry about mess, I wouldn't have to worry about anything.

I view suicide as a freshly made carrot cake

Tempting and luscious in the window but also sinful and something I shouldn't indulge in

But still I stare, licking my lips

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow

But maybe soon.

I don't know when it changes. But one day I wake up and my heart feels lighter

The headache gone

the fatigue lifted

And as unceremoniously as it began

It ends

And I feel normal again.

So I take my pill every day

Because I know just how tempted I was

Scary, but not scary

Because death maybe isn't so scary after all.

Silver linings.

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