It starts off like a physical ailment,
Weeks of chills and pain and fatigue, so I go...
They tell me it's not the flu
They tell me "you're not sick"
But then why do I feel aches in every joint
and a lethargy that never runs dry?
I am feeding a hunger unlike any I've ever known
with processed garbage that is easy to make, easy to eat
because I can't be bothered with food preparation when I can barely rouse myself out of bed.
The thermometer is a liar.
The doctor is a liar.
My manager is a liar.
Something is so deeply wrong, but I don't know the name
So I walk through the day with deep pain and anguish
My feet heavy, my heart throbbing, my head pounding
Tylenol doesn't fix it.
Rest doesn't fix it.
Watching a comedy doesn't fix it as I sit stone faced while everyone else laughs and all I can think as the funny man rattles off one liners is...maybe I should just kill myself.
Yea, maybe that would be better.
Maybe then the pain, and hunger, and ache, and darkness would leave me as I leave forever, finally finding reprieve in black nothingness. A permanent sleep, and sleep is my savior.
So I consider it as everyone considers what they want for dessert.
I am quiet, internal, contemplating my demise.
And I shock myself with how much I don't shock myself at all.
But I know this is wrong, and bad, so I go to the doctor again, and I say, "could this be depression?" and they say "yes, that's what this is!!" and prescribe me paxil.
I stare at the filled prescription bottle with trepidation and distrust.
I either will take this pill, and hope,
or drive to a bridge, and jump
So I take it, because it seems like the only thing to do.
I take it and nothing happens save a rolling stomach ache.
I still look at the mess in my house, and think,
It is pointless to clean it. It will just get messy again. If I died I wouldn't have to worry about mess, I wouldn't have to worry about anything.
I view suicide as a freshly made carrot cake
Tempting and luscious in the window but also sinful and something I shouldn't indulge in
But still I stare, licking my lips
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow
But maybe soon.
I don't know when it changes. But one day I wake up and my heart feels lighter
The headache gone
the fatigue lifted
And as unceremoniously as it began
And I feel normal again.
So I take my pill every day
Because I know just how tempted I was
Scary, but not scary
Because death maybe isn't so scary after all.