Me and Ana
                Me and Ana  anorexia stories
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laurenloggins
laurenloggins Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   6 months ago
The struggle of an eating disorder

Me and Ana

Ya know when you're a kid with siblings,

and everything is everyone else's hand me down?

Nothing is ever truly yours.

Well.

This is finally something stamped with my fingerprint

Something that no one else can have, no one else can touch

Because you can have your criticisms cloaked in concern, but it's me who has to bring the fork to my mouth

It's me who has to swallow all the bullshit

And maybe I just won't,

And no one else in the entire world can force me to.

This is what freedom, true freedom, feels like

and lets not forget control, and collarbones, and crop tops,

This is everything in life that is good and now it is mine.

And it's so simple.

I just don't, when other people do

Who knew your life could be trickled down into the things that you refuse

The things that you slice into tiny bits,

the things that your throw away in the garbage can followed up with a few sheets of paper towel to hide the evidence, but maybe I'll just take the trash out instead, just to be safe.

Aren't I doing well Mom?

So clean and proper except for the crumb-covered plate left in the sink

That proves a lie

I just have high metabolism

I'm just so healthy now

And at first I'm congratulated, complimented

Asked whats my secret?

But then the kind words slowly start to fade

And I panic by the lack of validation so I try harder, and harder

And now their words are all negative but who knew that would feel even better.

Because they say you're too thin

And I just hear, you're succeeding

You're winning

I cracked the code that so many others forever struggle with

Turns out it is really is that fucking simple.

And this feeling of profound victory is all mine.

Shrinking my self doubt and my self loathing into a number that keeps dropping

Dropping, dropping, lower, lower

There is no vagueness to this, no debate, no second guessing

It's black and white

Right before my eyes

I see my gold medal in the small screen on the bathroom floor

I see my first place prize as everyone around me is not my size

And somewhere along the way it stops being about mere vanity

Because I'm hiding in over sized sweatshirts and staying home

With pale, blue fingertips and a second and third layer of hair desperately trying to warm me

And guess what it doesn't work.

No, I don't think this looks good.

That's not what this is about.

It's about a fingerprint

Something all to my own

Shrinking, shrinking, my waist, my world,

so far down that everyone else dims and fades away

And it's just me,

and Ana,

all alone.

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