She stops and thinks about the past year, how those strange, liberating and unusual feelings surfaced when, as a dominant person...
she gave ownership of herself to someone completely for the first time.
It took her by surprise.
As someone who had lived their life as a dominant person, in all aspects, she suddenly found that she was willing, more than willing ; she desired it completely.
She wanted to give herself to that someone in all aspects.
The intensity of the feelings she found that she had for someone she barely knew was scary, really scary. But part of her enjoyed the thrill of the fear. Of the unknown.
She trusts her life in the hands of this person, and yet she knows just how much it could all go so badly wrong.
She knows that that they're cold, and bad for her in a way, and they'll hurt her eventually - perhaps even intentionally.
She keep on keeping on because that pain, oh boy, that pain..... is it worth that pain? Is it ever.
Every moment, every sideways glance at the phone screen on a video chat, every flash of an unexpected smile, a chuckle.
Those throwaway comments that take your breath away without even thinking about it.
She aches to hold them, to be hold by them, to give herself over, mind, body, and soul, to their darkest, most twisted, fucked up perversions.
It's unbearable when they're apart, ecstasy when they're together.
It will never work, and yet it won't stop.
It's too perfect.