Her who had: eyes that showed her delicate soul, hair that gently plunged over her shoulders, soft sugar sweet lips that trembled when i was able to touch her, beguiling, astonishing white teeth that could illuminate the darkest of rooms and a soothing, calm, angelic voice.
she believed the mountains where we once lived were beautiful; i thought she was more beautiful.
more beautiful than a ray of colours reflected from the sun at sunset, more beautiful than an owl gliding through the dimly lit night sky- she was the most beautiful of all living things.
she would be the most ineffable beauty.
i’ll never forget her, or our memories. i remember every single thing we did together. i replay them in my mind- over and over again, everyday. i replay her laugh, her words, constantly. even though she’s not here in flesh anymore, i still cannot seem to shake her from my mind! i suppose that must be what it’s like when the love of your life takes their own life, not knowing- being oblivious- to the fact that they are actually taking a part of you with them, to the other side.
she killed herself. but she also killed a part of me.
the question still stands: “ why did she commit suicide?” in everyone’s mind. everyone’s mind except one- mine.
it was truly heartbreaking, soul shattering, mind destroying getting the call saying had died. was it because of me? did my one mistake lead to this?
it’s this abstract, strident kind of emotional pain that never really leaves. it remains there and builds a home- slowly burning you out. it’s that type of emotional pain that embarks an out of control fire in your heart, your head- your whole body. no matter how much water you throw onto it, it just will not leave. it’s home is your body and it feeds off you suffering. it feeds off me suffering. c
i am haunted by my mistake, daily. i am the reason she is no longer with us right now.
i use to sit in my room and sob my heart out but now, things have changed.
i now sit on the log outstretch of wood where the birds sing their sorrows, where the mountains say goodbye, where the water effortlessly flows over my ankles. the sky cries for her, just like i did. the sun rays burn-hurt, like i hurt her. the boats sympathetically watch me suffer, like i watched her suffer. this is the place she left her clothes and her note, her beautifully written note. this is the place she took her last angelic breath.x
i come here everyday. i need to be reminded of what i did. i need to be reminded of my mistake!
i miss her. i hate myself.
i am sorry, Kizzy. i really am.