an elegy to my father
an elegy to my father abuse stories
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klouise
klouise a teenaged old lady
Autoplay OFF   •   2 years ago
this is a personal poem about the struggle i've been facing with severing ties with my dad who disowned me. i needed to spill my feelings.

an elegy to my father

you're my dad.

the dad who held me when i was born because i was his first daughter

and he was going to love me forever – as long as forever had an expiration date

the dad who would buy me a hot pastry on the way to school because

he didn't know how to make toast the way i liked it and he didn’t want to upset me

the dad who learned how to do my hair after me and my mom moved out

so that i would look nice and presentable on the weekends i saw him

the dad who taught me how to how to keep my mouth shut because the wrong words would upset him.

you're my dad.

the dad who took me to bars and left me alone outside while he drank

the dad who smoked in locked rooms with me even when my lungs felt ashy black and gritty

the dad who passed out on the couch and left me awake,

too scared to go anywhere away from his side because you are

the dad who let strangers stay in his house and in my room and left me

on the floor in his strange, foreign, alien bedroom.

you’re my dad.

my too proud to apologize

but not too proud to tell me he never wants to see me again dad.

the dad who maybe somewhere in his stony and solid chest

has enough remorse to say sorry

but won't

because maybe it will hurt his reputation or indent his masculinity.

you're my dad and somewhere deep deep down,

i know you're sorry and you love me and miss me

and you hate that i moved countries and you hate

yourself for feeling too many feelings but i just hope

that you're happy because

you passed your fragile self esteem down to me

and you must be proud to know that i'm suffering too.

you're my dad and i'm supposed to love you.

in fact, you're supposed to love me, unconditionally

but you were never supposed to leave me on the ground

hurting, and screaming, and begging for help.

youre my dad

and i miss you

and i know i shouldn’t miss you because

you have given me a weight on my back that isn't worth carrying -

the weight of knowing that i'm your daughter.

you're my dad, and in every

possible way, you ruined my life

and i can never, ever forgive you.

but you're my dad. so i guess i should say

i love you and

tell you that i want to fix things -

because i do -

but the only thing i'm not willing to fix

is myself

because if it wasn't for you,

i would never have been broken.

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