i don’t know if i’m sick
or if this is just normal,
no this terrible feeling can’t be normal
and if in some way it is then this world is truly a horrible place.
but, i just know that i’m sorry.
sorry for all the sadness i’ve put you through.
i understand why you left.
but i do not hate you for it,
i still love you
and i wish you had stayed a little longer
so i could’ve told you.
but i know you left, because you couldn't stand watching me destroy myself any longer
when you'd ask me if i’ve done it again, i would laugh.
and i watched your heart slowly turn away from me.
i’d smile when you’d turn my arms over in anger and disappointment and
i seemed almost emotionless as i tightened the cord across my wrist.
i’d seem happy as i’d look over the lash marks on my skin and
you’d watch me grit my teeth in discomfort as i’d push the pencil down into my skin then slowly drag it to the end of my arm.
it was too hot for sleeves and you would have to see what happens when i give in to my demons and a satisfied look crosses my eyes as i looked down at the lines that crossed my arms.
i’m sorry it was ugly to you.
i remember hearing my voice crack as you told me you want me to get help.
you watched my eyes tear up as i pulled on your arm, begging you not to say anything.
i’m sorry you had to notice and i’m sorry you feel guilty.
i know i hugged you with scarred arms,
but i thought maybe if i held on a little longer then you would rethink your decision.
but i knew it was over when you asked me to choose between this and you.
and the silence filled the room.
you grabbed your things and slammed the door behind you.
that was the last time i saw you.
i’m sorry that i love this more than i love you.