Outside the store, a now fine Cameron was about to proceed with the stupidest idea of his life.
He had somehow acquired a pole and was planning to pole-vault into an open window on the top floor.
There were incredibly obvious flaws in his plan but he was too much of an idiot to even notice.
For one, the pole was far too short to even reach the top window; secondly, there was no way Cameron was going to pick up pole-vaulting before the day ended.
Even Hill Billy shook his head when Cameron slammed into harsh brick. "Kids these days, am I right, Granny?"
"REEEEEEEEEEE," said Granny, calmly.
"Hey!" Preppy Girl cried when she realized her ray gun was missing. "I've realized that my ray gun is missing!"
Suddenly, a fat man dressed in a Santa Claus suit started shoving all the candy canes in the aisle into his sack. Preppy Girl, who had an obsession with candy canes, glared at him.
"Those are mine!" Preppy Girl screamed. "My daddy said so!"
Santa merely ignored her and kept on ransacking the candy. Preppy Girl started to sniffle and cry, burying her face in her hands.
At that moment, the ice encasing Troy suddenly melted and he ran at Santa doing his stupid impression of Kevin James' war cry from Grownups 1 and 2,
wheeling his arms around and head-butting Santa in the gut. Santa cried out in pain while making the same sneezing-farting-burping noises as Kevin James also did in Grownups 1 and 2.
Suddenly, Troy's spiky hair became real spikes and he eviscerated Santa.
"My hero!" gushed Preppy Girl, giving Troy a kiss on the cheek, somehow completely desensitized to the disembowelment of a man.
All of a sudden, Santa came back to life, scooped up his guts and took off his costume, revealing that he was in fact Kevin James from Grownups 1 and 2!!
Then he walked out of the store and married the same girl that he did in Mall Cop but divorced in Mall Cop 2.
"Will you forgive me, baby?" pleaded Troy. "I'm sorry we let a turkey get between us."
"Oh, of course!"
They started making out right in the aisle. Things were about to escalate even further when...
"MINE , MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE,
A gigantic missile came out of nowhere! Emo Girl and Danielle were holding onto it and screaming at the top of their lungs. The missile picked up Troy and Preppy Girl and they also screamed.
"HOW DO YOU REVERSE THIS THING?!" Emo Girl shouted over the noise, ignoring the trail of fire the rocket was leaving behind.
"DID YOU TRY WORKING THE SHAFT?" yelled Troy.
"OH, REAL CLASSY, TROY!"
"TROOOYYYY!" Preppy Girl hollered. "DID YOU TELL HER TO TRY WORKING THE SHAFT?"
"GOOD WORK, TROY!"
"OKAY THIS OBVIOUSLY ISN'T GETTING US ANYWHERE!" Danielle screamed.
"UNHAPPY WITH OUR SERVICE?" Troy retorted. "THEN YOU CAN TRY CALLING 1800-EAT-A-DICK!"
"THREE OF US DON'T EVEN HAVE THOOOOOOOSSSSSEEEEEEE!"
All the children screamed as their grip slipped at the same time, sending tumbling to the front of the store, where everyone was gathered.
Hill Billy stood in the middle, prepared to announce the winner of the Great Turkey Competition.
The missile blew up some nearby buildings but nobody cared despite it being a literal terrorist attack.
"I totally won that!" bragged Mr Prep, holding up his extremely large turkey. "I get the prize!"
"THIEF!" Dr. XY accused. E. Mo had retrieved the good doctor's head from the freezer and was now holding it.
"I SECOND THAT!" screamed Troy Senior. "BIG MEN LIKE ME NEED BIG BIRDS."
"That sounded really wrong," Emo Girl deadpanned. "Dad, can we go home? Mom said there was supposed to be a family cutting session today."
"Dope." Then Emo Girl and E. Mo walked out of the store, crying tears of blood.
Everyone started to argue about who had won, until Hill Billy grabbed a megaphone and announced, "Hey, ya'll! Lemme tell ya'll who really won!"
"WHO?!" everyone yelled.
Suddenly, Coco Crunch Boy emerged from the cereal aisle, holding a giant ass turkey in his arms. Hill Billy pointed one dirty finger at him. "This kid right here, ya'll!"
"What?!" everyone shouted.
"No fair! He wasn't even in the competition!" argued Troy, stamping his foot, his father agreeing vehemently.
"I got decapitated for this turkey!" screamed Dr. XY. "My insurance better cover this!"
"I found this in the cereal aisle when I was looking for my favourite brand," explained Coco Crunch Boy as he accepted the $500 gift voucher from Hill Billy.
"Phew, I can't wait to spend all this money on cereal."
The camp counselors who only parked in disabled parking because they were very,
very retarded and who had not been seen since kids go to camp (1) suddenly appeared and congratulated the winner in a mix of "shit pussy fuck a hoe before she fuck you" and "transgender rights!!
Everyone wanted to die.
"Whomst the fuck?" said Troy.
"It's me..." A huge black guy with squinty eyes and kung-fu butt appeared, removing fried chicken from his jacket sleeve. But it wasn't just any fried chicken.
IT WAS CHINESE FRIED CHICKEN!! "I AM BLACKIE CHAN."
"THIS IS ITALIAN DAY," fiddle-diddled Ex. Pan Dong as her boobs went wild and punched the air with female fury.
Blackie Chan yelled, "IT'S-A-ME! A-BLACKIE-CHAN-AH!"
"OH MY GOD," screamed everyone in terror. "IT'S BLACKIE CHAN!"
"He's on the spectrum!" A conservative warbled before fainting.
Blackie Chan proceeded to beat everyone up by using his Chinese fried chicken nunchucks.
"i know what we have to do!
" said one of the conveniently SEVEN last standing: Danielle, Troy, Preppy Girl, Coco Crunch Boy, Emo Girl, and the newly joined party member Lead Asian Gang Member (LAGM).
"WE MUST ENLIST THE HELP OF CHINESE KUNG FU MASTER!"
"Shiiiiiit," said Emo Girl, slitting her wrists in bloody excitement.
"To the Opium Mobile!" LAGM declared as they went through a 60s Batman transition.