War raged in the bloody aisles of Woolworths. A woman was sobbing over the corpse of her husband.
He had climbed the shelves to get a My Little Pony figure for their young daughter when a black blur had knocked him over.
He had then smashed his head on the floor, causing irreversible brain damage before bleeding out.
A dark-clothed figure, hanging from a slow-spinning ceiling fan, was watching the scene with a stony face. She closed her eyes. "I'm sorry... but it had to be done. Be brave... be brave."
"Who the hell are you talking to?"
Emo Girl let out a cry as she realised that Troy was also hanging from the ceiling fan with her. It was a wonder how she had not noticed him before.
"Shut up!" she hissed. "You're killing the deep, emotional vibes!"
"Yeesh. Well, sorry.
But I'm gonna win! See if I don't!" And with that, he leaped off the fan, hollering like Tarzan and smashing into a random tree that somehow grew between the meat and the fruit aisles.
"Watch out for that tree!" some guy yelled out.
"Wrong TV show," Danielle growled before shooting the man in the head. "Now it's time to eliminate the rest of the competition."
The Woolworths in the feminist death camp was hosting a huge competition. Over 500 people had somehow shown up for it, including our heroes: Danielle and her cadre of Emo Girl, Preppy Girl and Troy.
But alas, today was not a day to be celebrated... for the friends had turned on each other! And for what, exactly? What could possibly tear these good friends apart?
"A giant turkey! If you want a giant turkey, this is the place to be! Prizes include said turkey and $500!" called out a ratty looking man. "Hey, ya'll! The name's Hill Billy.
I run this place, and if ya'll wanna enter, ya'll gunna have to kiss mah favourite woman in the world!"
As if on cue, a wrinkly old prune of a woman was wheeled in on her bed by a couple of staff members.
"Say hi to Grandma Perkins!" said Hill Billy. His maw split into a cheesy grin. "Now come on ya'll, give granny a kiss!"
Grandma Perkins slowly smacked her lips in preparation, causing her flabby cheeks to bounce up and down,
which in turn caused drool to dribble down her chin and pool at her almost non-existent jawline.
"You heard him, Troy," growled Preppy Girl, shoving her boyfriend forward. "Give granny a kiss!"
Granny puckered up, causing a few people to upchuck their lunch.
Once the horrifying ordeal of kissing Granny was over, people tossed sanitizer onto their faces before listening up for the rules.
"'Kay, ya'll!" said Hill Billy. "It's a free for all! The one to find the biggest turkey in this darn rootin' tootin' place is the winner!"
The cadre exchanged evil grins. And as the crowd surged forward, the four friends shouted, "Mine, mine, mine, mine!"
No one noticed a latecomer fall flat on his face as everyone trampled over him. When he glanced upward, he noticed Hill Billy leering at him.
"What's yer name, boy?" asked Hill.
"Cameron," said Cameron. "I'm entering the Giant Turkey Contest."
"Well lucky you!" beamed Hill Billy, "because you'll be the 550th person to give ol' Grandma Perkins a big old sloppy kiss!"
Cameron saw the old prune and was instantly horrified. "GYAAHHH!!!!"
Hill Billy scratched his head, confused. "Now, I wonder what's gotten into 'im?"
While Cameron paced outside, scheming to get in without having to make out with Grandma Perkins, it was absolute chaos inside the small Woolworths store.
Obviously the author forgot to mention this, but Preppy Girl was the heiress of a large, global technological company.
Her father, the owner, had given her a ray gun, Taser, freeze ray, rocket thrusters and a jetpack just for this occasion.
Troy had begged her for at least one weapon but Preppy Girl had refused, stating that it was every woman for herself. So instead, Troy had to make do with his epic gymnastic skills.
The parents of the children were also participating in the Giant Turkey Contest. Mr Prep, Troy Senior, Dr. XY and E. Mo were having a Mexican standoff by the freezer aisle.
Each man had an advantage. Mr Prep had his technology on his side, while Troy Senior was known for being a brute in the fight ring; E. Mo was completely apathetic and Dr. XY was an android.
"I thought you were my friend," Mr Prep accused E. Mo.
E. Mo only shrugged.
Mr Prep whipped out a ray gun but was prevented from shooting when Troy Senior knocked him out cold with a single punch to the face.
E. Mo raised an eyebrow. "I'm out. I don't really care for stupid contests anyway." And then he left, 'accidently' kicking Cameron in the balls as he left the store.
"Aha!" Dr. XY cried triumphantly as he placed his palms on Troy Senior, absorbing his energy. He could do so with his enhanced android powers.
"N-no...!" moaned Troy Senior, fainting.
No one had noticed that Mr Prep had gotten up again. He took out a long, curved blade and sliced Dr. XY's hands off so he that he could no longer absorb any energy.
"Curse you!" spat Dr. XY, glancing at the wires now protruding from his wrists. While he was distracted, he got decapitated in another slice of Mr Prep's sword.
Dr. XY cursed again as Mr Prep placed his head into the freezer.
"You need to," Mr Prep put on a pair of shades, "keep your head cool.
" A faint 'yeeaaahhh' and the sound of an explosion were heard as Mr Prep grabbed the large turkey that had been fighting over and sauntered off.
Meanwhile, Preppy Girl and Troy were facing off.
After watching Emo Girl pull a fast one on some dude trying to reach some My Little Pony figures on the top shelf, and then sliding down the trunk of a tree five minutes later,
he had run into his girlfriend in the health and beauty aisle.
"Look a distraction!" screamed Preppy Girl, pointing to a random direction.
Troy stupidly turned.
Preppy Girl froze him with her freeze ray. She grinned. "Never underestimate a woman."
Danielle was cutting down people like they were straws. Whether it was the sippy straws or the hay straws, it didn't matter. To her, killing was the answer to everything.
Except maybe killing wasn't the answer when trying to find out your classmate's real names by breaking into their houses and scribbling profanities on their fathers' face with permanent marker.
That was an exception.
Just was Danielle was about to make her 45th kill, a red beam shot past her and she turned around to see Emo Girl with Preppy Girl's ray gun.
The emo had stolen it while Preppy Girl was celebrating her victory against her boyfriend-turned-enemy.
Oh, it was on.