Anxiety and Love By Kate Blacklock
Anxiety and Love

By Kate Blacklock button poetry stories
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kateblacklock
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Autoplay OFF   •   7 months ago
A poem about previous unhealthy relationships, anxiety caused by them, and the healing love of a healthy relationship.

Anxiety and Love By Kate Blacklock

Anxiety is company.

Automatically

As soon as I wake

So does it.

It's familiar

A comfort.

An old lover.

It's presence feels right.

It's aura

It's beautiful.

Disgusting but beautiful.

As I get up

It pulls me down

And I sink into quicksand.

If the day does not start this way

It's wrong.

I can crave the feeling

That sensation of being disturbed.

The empty pit in my stomach

And shallowness of breath.

It's what I know.

It's what I am.

Anxiety is with me.

Anxiety is a shadow

Even if the day starts bright.

I can think straight.

I can think about the day and deal with everything

One bit at a time.

I can function.

It's wrong.

Through every memory I can remember

I hunt through them all.

Viciously I tear myself apart to find something

Something I can hurt myself with.

To get that dread I've learnt to love so much.

Addicted and needing a fix.

So I can get the high

And ride it into the darkest corners of my thoughts.

Anxiety embraces me.

Anxiety is me

When I feel my heart better

Than her hand.

It thrashes about like a bird

In a thimble sized cage.

My body is numbed by a buzz.

It tickles the back of my brain

But I'm not laughing.

The vibration dizzies me,

There's no euphoria;

It's nausea.

This is right.

I feel alone

In a crowd.

She grips my hand

The numbness fades.

I feel a squeeze

I'm not alone.

She catches my breath with her other hand

As it tries to fly away.

My heart it slows

I feel my hand.

I clench hers.

I've begged my heart to slow further

Sometimes I begged

For it to stop.

Anxiety is close to me

It still tries to cling on.

Though she keeps me together

In my times of weakness.

Anxiety weakens me.

She strengthens me.

Anxiety is an open room.

A canvas of blank faces

A wall of silence

Bricks of fear and dread

Cemented by expectations

Of others and my own.

They tower over me

Keeping me trapped inside

Forcing me to believe

Freedom isn't mine.

I turn to run,

For one last chance.

Down I stampede the everlasting hallway.

I dart

I dash

As fast as I attempt

to evade my own mind.

My feet are numb

My knees are shaking

My thighs are throbbing

My hands cannot grip

My lungs they burst

My heart it screams

My brain it fries

So my mind wipes out.

There's no avail.

These walls of anxiety keep on growing.

So here I stay within this house of horror.

Where the fool believes it's safe.

Anxiety becomes me.

Anxiety is him.

A single look

His empty glance.

Without knowledge of who I am

Who I was

What he'd done.

Our eyes meet.

The pit in my stomach

I wished for it to swallow me whole.

He is without a clue

For I have a disguise.

I remade myself

Purposefully

Into something he'd hate.

My clothes

My glasses

And my lack of makeup

Are my armour.

My weapons of choice

Communication

Burying my thoughts alive

And crying into the early hours

To exorcise the demons of my past.

My hairs stand on end

Like soldiers standing to attention.

Their bodies sharper than needles.

But my tongue

Made mute.

The pit it opens

I feel it crumble beneath my feet.

My heart sinks first

The tears fall

And so the rest of me follows.

A volcano erupts in my chest

It suffocates me

Internally.

Anxiety consumes me.

Anxiety is a performance.

When I can rest my head

Close my eyes

I feel safe in my bed

I put the day behind me.

But I turn over and a scene from the past

Like a page from an script

Begins to perform.

The show goes on

Though the audience can't doze off if the show gets boring.

There's no request of an encore

from the quiet seats and uneasy audience

But the encore is performed.

Anxiety is my antagonist.

Anxiety is it.

I cared too much

I felt too hard.

I knew too little.

I knew too much.

I never do enough

I always do too much.

My thoughts were deafening

My lips were mute.

In my mind I saw myself

As carbon.

I convinced myself that under pressure

I'd become stronger.

Carbon becomes diamonds.

I wanted to be a diamond.

But I almost became ash

Because of it.

Respect for it

I cannot give

For my life

It almost took.

Anxiety is the devil.

"Anxiety isn't her.

She saves me

With a smile.

She holds me

With her words.

Her presence is there

When she's not.

I hear her

In a silent room.

She doesn't need to be with me

To keep me company.

I can drown in my sorrows

But she pulls me to surface

In a sea of emotions.

I reach for her.

She fills my lungs

With air

And empties my mind

From anxieties.

I can breathe

With ease.

She holds me tighter

Harder

Than my anxiety.

Anxiety isn't her.

I'm with her,

And I'm free."

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