The journal seemed pleased by Rodney's willingness to give his name, especially the mere fact that he is speaking with the booklet named Nicholas at all. "Rodney.
" Nicholas said, "That name suits you well." "So I've been told." Rodney replies. "I think it's a great name.
Hey, if you don't mind me asking," Nicholas proceeded, "Have you been having thoughts of hurting yourself in any way?" Rodney let out another sigh and slumped down into his chair.
This was not the first time he had been asked such a question. "Yeah, I guess..." "How so?" Geez, I don't know. I suppose striking my limbs against solid objects.
Maybe punching myself repeatedly. Taking a knife and slowly cutting into my hand. What else would you want to know?" "There's plenty I want to know.
However, there is one thing that trumps the rest." "Oh? I think I already know what it is, but go ahead and say it.
" Suddenly, it felt like the surrounding air had become still, and all of the background noise had been completely filtered. There was nothing but dead silence.
Finally, Nicholas asked his question: "Have you ever thought of, or planned, suicide?"
Rodney, having correctly deduced what Nicholas was going to ask, let out a hysterical, somber laugh, leaning forward with his arms resting on his knees while doing so.
"And there it is!" He exclaimed, "There's the defining question! God, this is, what, the fourth time I've been asked now? At this point it's just a recital, and a very poignant one at that.
" Rodney continued laughing to the point of almost being brought to tears, thinking of the situation as a cruel joke in its entirety.
"Is what I ask truly that funny to you?" Nicholas asked with stern confusion. Rodney managed to regain his composure, and ignorantly answered, "Ha, it might as well be.
Hell, it can be a Comedy of Errors in its own right." "Can you take this seriously?" "Yeah, sure." Rodney waved his hand nonchalantly, "I'll try my best, doc."
"You won't try." Nicholas stated in a lower, assertive tone, "You will." Rodney was taken aback by the sudden change in voice, but remained on the pitiful defensive.
"Can't you see exactly what I've written inside of you?" He retorted, "It's pointless. Completely pointless.
There is no one in the world who wants to hear my constant complaining, or give me the time and day to thoroughly explain myself.
I've heard it all before, and none of them yielded results, not in the slightest." "That is a fact.
" Nicholas proceeded to ask, "But are you aware of the exact reason for that?" Rodney slowly gazed off to the side, and reluctantly answered, "Because people can say words, but not take action.
" "For some, yes, but those who have spoken with you have taken plenty of action, and I know you can clearly see that." Rodney glared at Nicholas.
He was absolutely abhorring the journal's presence. Then, he asked, "What are you getting at?"
"YOU are the cause of your own destruction."
Rodney was dumbfounded by this statement, and was a little frightened by Nicholas' sheer bluntness. "YOU are the curator of your own internal demise." "You shut the hell up..." Rodney demanded.
"I cannot." Nicholas continued, "This is something that you are in dire need of." "I said shut up!" Rodney stood up from his chair, hands balled up and ready to attack the journal again.
"If you truly seek help, then, my dear companion, you must also help yourself.
" Rodney shook his head, both arms going limp and dropped down onto his knees "How, then?" He trembled, "How would I even go about that?" Tears began to form in his eyes.
It was at that moment that he felt far more lost than he had been, never finding the determination, motivation, the right path to walk.
But, for the first time, he was truly terrified for his life.
"Pick me up." Nicholas warmly asked, "Let us write something."