The Dating Game
As the days drag on, I find myself shamelessly seeking a new relationship to tangle myself into. I’m constantly being reminded about how badly I want this by all of my fellow teenagers.
In the hallways I see friends and strangers alike surrounded by their lovers, as if to say, “look at us, look at how happy we are.
” And what makes it worse is how I remember how happy I used to be when I was like them. Which makes it feel even more like they are rubbing their happiness in my face.
Even most of the undesirables have significant others.
Part of the reason I want another relationship is because of the “flexing rights” that these people so earnestly feel like they have to shove in my face.
To be able to brag about how great your lover is feels good in a weird way. Almost like back when I was a little boy, bragging about a video game that I had that my classmates didn’t.
A quality of mine that I take much respect in is the ability to see things from other people’s point of view. Hence why I always make sure not to “show off” my partner.
But unfortunately other people don’t show me the same courtesy. I don’t care that your in a relationship. I couldn’t care less. That’s none of my concern.
What I do care about, however, is finding someone for myself.
I say that I want to start dating again, but to tell you the truth, I’m not sure that I completely want to. The thought of starting all over is what’s holding me back.
(Besides the fact that finding someone to start a relationship with is very hard.
) I’m talking about having to start from the beginning, having to test the water, see what their personality is, having to woo them, having to have another first everything.
It’s exhausting, but its fun. Whenever your in the plane of existence stuck in between dating and not dating, it can be very exciting.
When you both know that you like each other and you can start dropping hints that your into them, and seeing how they take it. I call this the dating game. And boy, it can be fun to play.
I hate how every topic that I want to write about has to somehow connect to my past miseries.
And I can’t just not talk about certain things and not bring up how I feel now because of those past mistakes.
As I mentioned in some of my past writings, my perception of relationships has drastically changed in the last few months.
I’d be willing to say that they’ve changed more in this brief period of time than in almost a decade. Now, you could make the argument that they’ve changed for the better.
I’ve started to see dating not as something that has to last long, more as something that should be short and sweet.
As long as I enjoy myself, then I don’t really care about trying to prolong the relationship. I just don’t take it seriously anymore.
Now, I don’t care about dating for trying to have a connection with someone. To commit myself. All of the romanticism is gone for me. I think that this is how I should feel, though.
I think that the outlook I used to have was an immature way to look at dating.
And although I know that this is most likely how I should be looking at dating now since I’m arguably a “man” being eighteen years old,
I can’t help but look back on my past feelings towards the subject and miss how naive I was. I was so blissfully unaware of how cruel love can be, and I miss that.
I miss only being able to see love from the good side. Now that I’ve seen its bad side a bit too well, I can’t go back to how I saw it before. Damn her. If only she knew what she’s done to me.
I wonder if she would feel remorse, or if she would still entertain the fantasy that I don’t and never existed. Most likely the latter.
I didn’t want to mention this, but I feel like I must. Before, I looked at the sexual side of dating as a plus.
Something that was a big part of the relationship, but something that you don’t rush. When the sexy stuff comes, it’ll come. (No pun intended.
) I hate to admit this, but as my perception on dating has changed, my view on this part of dating has changed too.
I know that craving sex is a natural part of being a human being, but I never let it overshadow the other parts of dating,
such as making sure that communication is good between the two of you and that you let your thoughts flow freely with each other.
But after my catastrophe drained me of all of the romanticism in my body, I catch myself wanting sex a lot more than I used to from relationships.
Hence what I was saying earlier with how I only care about enjoying myself. A few months ago I wouldn’t imagine that I could ever look at dating like this. I feel like a fuckboy.
A type of person that I always hated.
In the past I’ve said that I hate myself now. That I hate the person I’ve become. This is one of the many reasons why that still holds truth.
Because of how much my perception on love has changed because of some high school summer fling. And how that turned me into a type of person that I’ve always looked down on. It sucks.
Self hate aside, reader, there's still a part of me that believes that this change in my dating outlooks is a reality check. I newfound sign of maturity.
But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it.