I use to cry whenever I looked in the mirror. After my grandma died and my mom was diagnosed with cancer I gained a lot of weight. My therapist said this was how my body coped with grief. But mostly it was self-hate and sadness.
“You’re ugly!” “You’re fat!” “No one wants a big girl!” “How disgusting!” These are the words I used to bully myself.
Even my mom said a few hurtful things. “Don’t stand next to me, I don’t want anyone to see you with me.” The worst scars and bruises are the one you can’t see.
I tried everything. From yo-yo diets, to eating hardly anything. But the pain grew inside like a festering seed. I never healed my mind, so my body couldn’t mimic any good things. All it felt was the harsh abandonment and hate that screamed,
“I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING! WHY ARE YOU SO VILE? WHY DOES MY SKIN STRETCH AS BIG AS THE SEA? WHAT UGLY MARKS! You pitiful little thing!
Then one day I died. I hit rock bottom. My cup and love for life was empty. So I decided to try something new, something gentle. I smiled, when I looked in the mirror and said, “This is me! The essence of strength and a deeper beauty.”
I love you heart because you beat on even when I’m broken. I love you skin because you stretch to fit my big dreams. You adapt and change for me. I love you flaws because what is perfection? I love, because in the depths of pain, I find strength.
I am a strong, beautiful, black queen! So if you ever feel like me, create several affirmations. I promise you one day you’ll believe them.
This is me!
And so is this!
I am beautiful and so are you!