I saw my reflection in the mirror this morning.
Last time i did that, snow was falling.
So yea, it made me feel a little weird this morning.
The body looking back at me...
I can't help but want to weep...
The urge to punch, break the mirror into a million pieces.
My mom had this full length mirror installed. It wasn't my choice.
She wonders why i have it covered...
She tells me that girls want boys that look sharp.
That to find a woman worthy to love, i must look like a true man. I must be worthy myself... she says.
She doesn't know that i want to be the worthy woman. Not the man.
She doesn't know that i want to find that worthy man.
She doesn't know that i want to die in this body.
Or does she? I mean... it apparent I’m at least gay to everyone else.
I guess what we don’t speak, won’t hurt us.
Today was the first day of school. I'm a sophomore in high school.
I guess a day like today, forces someone to look in a mirror.
But starting of my day like that, really affected everything else that followed.
The pebble dropped, I’m water.
As i was looking in the mirror this morning, a bang from the kitchen snapped me out of my train of self harming thoughts.
Caleb broke into my house.
He was trying to sneak into my house, he thought I was already at school. Such a dumbass.
I was surprised. I hadn't seen him all summer.
We’ve been close our entire lives. Ever since I can remember. He has been my only true friend.
Midway into freshman year, i introduced him to my spanish partner Zee.
Zee was a wild child. Her humor, one of a kind. She brought happiness to my life, where little existed.
I had hoped that by connecting Zee and Caleb, that my little circle would create a feeling in me...
A feeling like protection.
A feeling like connection.
A feeling like home.
If only i knew. Knew that Zee didn't feel. That her soul has been frozen for years. That her humor was just a well developed defense mechanism.
And the drugs have numbed her insides for far too long, that all she can do is pretend her laughs and tears.
Caleb thought she was strong. Caleb was instantly attracted. He became her plus one to every one of her parties.
Bonnie found her Clyde.
I separated from them once the drugs became their everything, and ended my freshman year alone.
I would have kicked him out when i caught him sneaking in this morning.
but I took one look at his face, he looked sober. He seemed sober... He was sober.
We had a small exchange. He thought i was already in school. But i worked my schedule, I got out of first period PE. My teachers know my concerns. So i don't have time go in till second.
”I was going to wait in your room till you came back", he said as he smirked.
Caleb told me that he's been sober all summer. That he ran away from home, ran away from Zee.
“I can't be like my mother" he exhaled.
I was happy that he realized this. And even though I wanted to kill him for what he put me through last year, all i could do was hug him.
”Can i sleep here till i save enough money for a place of my own?"
Like if he needed to ask.
I would do anything for him.
I'm glad i have Caleb back.
We walked together to school, I forced him to sign up.
School was such a blur.
I'm back home. Caleb's on my bed knocked out. I should be asleep too. But my thoughts are keeping me up.
Caleb told me that he went out looking for his mother after school. She usually wanders around the same streets, and she usually collects outside Bob's Liquor Shop. But she wasn't there.
And Bob jr. said he hasn't seen her in months. He was so tired from all that walking, so i'm not surprised he's knocked out. He seemed so tired, i didn't want to bother him with Zee.
I didn't want to tell him that she came up to me after school. Asked about him. She wanted to know if he was ok.
i told her that he was none of her business. That she needs to only walk away whenever she sees me or him on campus.
I hope she listens.
It's almost midnight and i can't sleep. I think I'm going to The Pub. I don't want too, because i don't drink. But i can't sleep. And they have the best view of the valley.
The Pub is three blocks east, and doesn't card. I've been there four times.
Dressed as a man.
But tonight i want to go as me.
I think I'm going to go as me. My mother has a trunk full of family clothes. Woman's blouses, dresses, and hats. I play dress up all the time when i'm home alone with this treasure chest.
I already know which dress i want to wear. The red one with lady bug waist print.
It's the only one that really fits.
I think i'm going to the pub.
I hope i get in as me.
I’m going to The Pub.