This hasn't been my year.
Its January. Halfway through my school year, and beginning of a new year.
I don't know if I want to reborn my spirit and start anew, or continue on this path and stay invisible to the world around me.
This journal is my potential new years, new me beginning.
My road has been bumpy, only because it started off wrong. Like a ripple on water, there was a beginning.
I don't want to victimize my spirit. But I cant hide away the truths of my life. Especially not here, not to myself. This is my opportunity to reflect, intake, and grow.
I need to talk to myself, not just jot down information like a cop describing his suspect, mapping out his movements.
I need to talk about my fathers abuse first.
He's a horrible man.
He's a alcoholic.
He used to hit mom, before she ran away.
Now he just beats me.
I used to give in.
I used to let it happen.
But something happened on the first day of school that changed it all.
I was getting ready for school. It was bright morning. Peak orange light creeping all throughout the house.
I was finally coming out of the bathroom all dressed, when I saw him crouching over my black box, opened. His eyes penetrating the money I had, saved up in that box.
I screamed at him, asking him to put that back. He was too drunk to comprehend, and too broke to not be thirsty.
He closed the box, grabbed it, and walked off downstairs.
I argued and reached for my box, and he punched me. I landed on the floor, my eye swelling up.
He's taken my life,
he's taken my body,
he's taken my spirit.
I couldn’t let him take this.
For the first time, I decided to fight back. To really fight back.
I grabbed my pink headphones, put on my yellow jacket, and reached for my skateboard. This was my usual morning routine when right before exiting my house.
But this morning, I added one more step.
I swung my board his direction, with the bottom of my board facing him. The back two wheels struck him on his left shoulder. He let out a loud painful scream.
It felt, and sounded, like some bones had broken.
He fell to the floor, I grabbed my box and walked out.
After all the chaos in my brain settled. And the shock of the level of violence I just experienced dissolved. I realized something important in that moment.
I could fight back.
I didn’t have to just take it. I could armor up, and charge the beast. I had power.
I have power.
Since then, it hasn’t been the same at home.
Teachers and mentors have been asking me if I'm truly ready to fight wars in the real world. They ask me as a sophomore. I used to think that that was astonishing and unreal.
That as a child, I'm being asked if I'm ready to defend our country.
But I cant lie to myself, if I don't own up to the fact, that I've already been fighting in a war at home since I was eleven. I've already been training for a war.
I've already been training for chaos.
Looking back I feel like my teachers already knew this. And that’s why I was scouted. They saw my semi healed split lip.
They saw my burnt off finger tips.
They see my ripped off left ear. Missing its hanging part. I'm forever shamed to only wear one side earrings.
Which I now do with pride.
I'm seen as a warrior now.
But people are afraid of warriors. How can I connect and find meaning in life, If I cant find people who aren't afraid of me.
My only friend Willow, is only my friend because we study for our exams together. We are of a few that use our library.
So in time, after all the greetings, we finally talked and began to help each other.
But we don't hang out in real life, we just treat each other like tutor help.
This is a new year though, and I need to change some aspect of my life. I need to make more efforts in relationships.
For my own sanity.
So here are my plans for the last half of the school year:
One, I need to find friends. So connect with Willow more, ask her out for coffee. Build up the courage to talk to the new girl Hannah, and get invited to one of Bradley's cool kids parties.
Even though him and I don’t see eye to eye, I'm sure I can find friends at his parties, and I'm sure with a little politics talk, I can convince him to invite me.
Two, show less aggression at school. I don't have to fight every battle. If I try to fight every battle, I will lose.
This world has turned me into a barking Chihuahua, and my school is turning me into a Pitbull. That combination will be intimidating, and I need to calm my mental energy.
Three, I need to find my empathy. This is important. I haven't felt it in years. I cant turn grey. This can't happen.
I need to make sure that I still have a heart, and to practice compassion and well being at every step of my life. I can't be part of this man eating machine.
I can't add to the numbness of the world. No matter what I do, I must do with some empathy.
I need to be part of the good.
I have no other righteous option.