As a child, I was a morning person
Being in bed was boring. I wanted to be up, and doing things.
Awake with the sun and playing before the morning dew dried.
What do you think that happy child would think
If I told them that now, years and no time later,
getting myself out of bed is a marvel?
Eating is a feat of endurance. Cooking is nearly impossible.
My energy and my motivation are enemies, when I have either at all.
Mostly I don't do anything,
Wishing I could pause time to rest more in between
and trying to convince myself to work
It doesn't work.
As a teenager, I relied on pressure
As long as a deadline was more than hours away I had better things to do
No obligation felt real until suddenly it was necessary
And then I could throw myself into my work
Getting enough sleep was not an option in high school.
What do you think that hopeful teenager would think
If I told them that now, I spend all my time sleeping?
No friends to take me away from projects
Until we complained about them so much
We felt guilty and finished them.
No friends to talk with long past the middle of the night.
Pressure doesn't work anymore.
Without it, I can't convince myself to work
With it, I shut down.
I've failed too many times
Missed the deadline too many times
Why should this time be any different
Why even bother trying
When did trying become a marvel?
When did living become a marvel?
When did small marvels
Grow so big
And take over