As my last year of fitting in boxes like bohemian life, university student, dreamful young adult and such comes to an end,
old music becomes a daily crutch and tears appear for simply staring into the horizon on a sunny day.
I was never competent in transitioning smoothly into different stages of my life and the incompetence is being exacerbated by this loss that, as hard as I may try, I cannot see in any other way.
It's a loss for me, a loss of routine, a loss of relations, a loss of predictably,
for I'm currently in the verge of either becoming a successful and respected professional or a rotting poor homeless women.
My refusal of returning to live with my mom may facilitate the later scenario. Nonetheless, there are places to which one does not go back, regardless of the struggles one's facing.
Everyone around us seems much put together and certain of the next step, certain of a future they imagine for themselves and are yet to attain.
None of them really are certain, everyone is afraid of failing or disappointing someone.
We all spent this year crying to our pillow and thinking we were the only ones who felt profoundly incapable of performing the work we spent four years preparing for,
while also cursing the people that we consider did not prepare us well enough.
Feelings of loneliness and never before met despair hunted me this year.
And also a gigantic amount of pride of my friends that succeeding in their respective areas, even despite not believing their own success most of the times, same as everyone else.
All of these past months, we’ve been leaving behind our personal lives, not seeing close friends for big periods of time.
The other day, I saw one of such friends in the street,
we were passing each other by chance and ended up spending 2 hours simply standing in the sidewalk and talking about everything happening in our lives and about much of what I’m writing here.
There are so many memories to remember, so many moments to recall and laugh about, songs to replay and dance for nights on end, people to talk to...
This last one especially will hurt, but friendships must be mended and deep secrets admitted.
The conclusion to this reflexion is the people. As I’ve expressed before, people are what truly matters, connections to others that fill you with warmth in times you see nothing in yourself.
University for me was undoubtedly an escape from the wretched, damaging life I was living. Fighting for my grade was what clicked me out of a very self-destructive path.
To this day I don’t understand why that click went off when it did, but I am so grateful for it.
The people that came with this step became my family and I don’t I will ever have the courage to say this to them.
Courage is among the stuff I was never taught to have, I’m still trying to figure it out as I go on with this little life of mine.
And with this I am creating a new segment in my page called To My People (Às Minhas Pessoas) and in it I will write and share all that I cannot yet express looking in someone’s eyes.