Four years ago I had a boyfriend for the first time. First, it was a normal friendship, and it was my first time to be a friend with a boy. I know him before for many years, but we weren't close or friend at all.
I saw him when he transfers to our school and class. I don't know why and how, but I fall for him at first sight. It was the first time and I don't even know what was that feeling.
After I fell for him for 4 years, we can be friends because of our mutual friend. She was my best friend and his friend too. She doesn't know about my feeling about him. In that situation, we have been friends for years.
After a year of friendship, he starts develops feelings for me, and it was so clear for me to understand him, but I said nothing, but he knows nothing about my feeling. For the first time, he fights with me and even stops talking to me for two weeks because of another boy give me a love letter.
That is why I know he has feelings for me. After that, he becomes too much. I mean, he fights me whenever he saw me with other boys' student or someone, even my brother. That makes me confuse and start skeptical about his feeling. I was waiting for his question for years, but he is quiet.
I think it because of my process in the United States. When I told my friends that I only have two weeks in my home country to stay, he fought me and I came to the United States like that. I never met my friends for one year because I don't have a phone. But when I have a phone, I immediately call for all of my friends, but I was take my most time to talk to him.
I ask him why he fought me? But he answers was open a Facebook accounts then add me and I will tell you. Badly, I hate social media for no reason. I told him I don't like to use any social media, but he told me if I want to talk to him I have to, so I just open it.
We talk to around one month like a normal friend, but finally, I finish my patience and become more impatient. So one day around 2 pm in the United state we chat and I want to force him to talk about the relationship without his notice, but started it before me. we talk about it for a long time and finally. he asks me to be his girlfriend, and the day I was waiting for 6 years final come.
I was so nervous and happy, I even say yes without thinking. On that day morning when I woke up, it was felt like a dream, so I checked my Facebook account. But unfortunately, it wasn't a dream.
That why I regret the most that it wasn't a dream. I know for sure my feeling for him and I wait for that day for too long, but we have a lot of problems between the two of us and I already know we will not end up together.
But we just start dating.We have been together for 4 or 5 months.
A day from the day he starts ignores me and gives me alto of the reason for not picking up my call. I try to understand, but that was too much. I also go down by my grade at school and every one of my teachers is get confused about what happened to me because it wasn't me.
I was quite worried about him and waiting for him at the Facebook chat box for a lot of time. Because we have a time difference between my home country and the United States, I always waiting for him without sleeping, and sleep at school. I feel, his feeling is off after two or three months' since we dated.
That was terrible for me and my grade was terrible for my teachers. My family is waiting for my graduation from high school with a good grade and get into a good University. They always talk about my education and they told me they always proud of me because I am good at my education.
They don't know about my relationship, because of the society we grow up and live, they don't believe be in love before marriage and not allowed, especially for girls. Even children want to have a girl/boyfriend, graduate from college and we should have a job, but I don't know why? When I get back to the principal point, without me and my phone, no one was wouldn't know about my relationship.
Then he starts asking for money and says his mother is sick and no one is helping him. But he gives me his friend's bank account. I lie for my brother and get money to send over him, but I know that is a lie, but I did as he wants. And I feel down so much.
When they always talk about how I am good at my education, I feel guilty for my families, because they give me a lot of things for my life success. So I stop my relationship with him and stay focus on my education to give for my family what they want.
Also, my parents are religious people. But my boyfriend had a different religion. With my education and family, religion was a significant problem for our relationship. So one day when he picks up my call after a lot of tries, I told him" let's break up, I can't change my religion" and he gets confused and said, " who ask you to change your religion" I answer him I know that but if we can't come one of us to one side, we can't be longer a lover.
Then we discuss things on Facebook and say goodbye to each other and break up peacefully. But it wasn't as easy as I thought. I get more depressed and finish the school year. My friends try to comfort me, but it wasn't helpful. But the next year I become a more talented student after 5 months of depression. Never get even B at my school subjects. But I still can't get rid of him from my mind. I still thinking of him.
One day I call to my best girlfriend, and she told me to forget him, because he wasn't in love with me and he is a play full boy, also he has a girlfriend. I don't believe it, but I get mad to know that he was pretending and not sure about it. He was also playful and make jokes around all the time and it hard to know if he tells the truth or not.
I want to ask him and hear his answer, but I didn't call him after we break up, because I don't have any reason to call him. Finally, I become to create a fake Facebook account and talk to him. But he was so smart and he knows it was me, I try to not admire, but I can't define him. Then I ask him, but he tricked me to not answer what I asked him. I know he did that if he knows it was me, but also I don't want to believe that he was acting to be in love with me for years.
After he knows the fake account was mine, we talk again. Just like a friend, but I can't stand his sweet taking. But two or three weeks ago he asks me the actual reason I break up with him. I know he will ask me but I also can't tell him the truth.
It is not because it is hard to tell, but I know it will be easy for him to be okay with my reason and he will say we can start over. I mean sometime when things hard for me, it will be easy for him, and when it easy for me it is hard for him. In other words, we do not quite understand each other.
I thought it is because we don't have any experience in such a relationship before, but the more he makes excuses to not talk to me, I become off and get in trouble. Worry for him like his mother. I write for a quite long time and he will answer after two weeks if it is the fastest, or when we both will be online. So I just tell him I can't be in a relationship with anyone and it is not because I don't love him.
But I want to tell him that my actual reason is my family and education. Each family member gives me a lot of things I didn't deserve. I owe my parents, sister, and brother's life. All give me their life for me and my sister dead for me. Her dream was to see me when I graduate with a good grade.
I want to give her what she wants even though she can't see me. I want to have a good grade from high school and college to make my family happy and proud of me. My brother gives me his life to me and works 24 hours for me, to give me a wonderful life. My parents live separately to give me a wonderful future.
My other brothers are also working hard to give me whatever I want. That makes me feel guilty about thinking of love at this of my young age.
When I was too young I don't believe I will fell for someone and immature people know what love is and how it feels like? But at such my young age I fell for someone for a long time. Moreover, I can't focus on both study and dating at the same time. I had to choose back then, and I choose my studying and family. Also, I don't want to hurt him, because if I dating him while I am studying, I will make suffer him.
Because if I focus on my studying and didn't give him time, he will be like me. Also he a top student, I don't want to make him stupid and own another's life. I also did care for him more than anything and want to give his life back.
Now we are friends as before, but not for me. He always does something that makes me blame my self for break up. Now the real question in my heart is, what should I do to stop loving him and thinking of him? Because I still miss him more than missing my mom. And I am afraid that I get back to my depression.