For my first entry, I’d like to focus on the negative things that happened to me so far because those moments were the reasons why I decided to make drastic changes in my young life.
I was one of those people who felt that they didn’t truly fit in any peer groups in high school. I was one of those teenagers who had been idly daydreaming during class hours pondering about the things that could’ve been and couldn’t have.
Sure, if my closest friends would read this, they’d tell me that I was lying about these things and that I was being over-dramatic because back in high school, it seemed like I was doing alright. It seemed like I had several friends to talk to but in truth, no one really tried to listen to what I had in mind.
I also did many things that I wasn’t proud of, things that still haunt me today and the worse thing about it was that I did it out of peer pressure and because I yearned to fit in and be accepted.
It made me hate myself for being the way that I was. It took me so long to give myself some slack.
Maybe, it was a good thing though, because I was able to notice what I was doing wrong and that I was able to change for the better.
As I grew older, I went through several bad experiences that made me hate myself more for being who I am.
It’s also one of the reasons why I was never comfortable being in large crowds and socializing with other people.
I guess the society made sure that I felt insecure in every socializing event there is.
Despite everything that happened in the past, I never hated being young and stupid because I was given the attention a child was supposed to be given when being raised.
I had an awesome childhood due to the friendliness of our neighbourhood and that I had a group of friends who accepted me for who I am but as I told you, I never truly fit in.
Eventually, I started to drift away from my childhood friends so I started to focus on the ones that I interacted with everyday – my high school friends.
Three years passed until I started noticing how disgusting my personality became after trying to fit in with the popular kids. I became pretentious and narcissistic.
It was horrible! Every day after I get home from school, I’d think of the things that I did and the things that I said and I’d continuously repeat them on my mind until I cringed.
CAdT somehow helped me cope up with my insecurities but that’s another story.
Eventually, I started focusing on myself, on what I want, and what I wanted to become, shedding all the insecurities bit by bit.
I dreamt of leaving my home as soon as possible so I could travel around the globe to see the wonders that lie in it.
I dreamt of learning things that could make a huge impact and, a difference in our society.
I wanted to meet new, interesting people around the world and make them as an inspiration in creating art, music and literary pieces.
I had it all planned out but the only thing that was stopping me from what I wanted to do in life was my current state.
I didn’t have any capability to do all of those things yet so I set my dreams aside for the time being and succumbed back into reality to work on the things that I had to do in order for me to attain my goals.
I had to think of a smart way to survive my high school years so I could perform well in class to be accepted in a university and eventually have a decent job someday.
I could only think of one way to survive my high school at that time, and it was deception. I used it as a weapon.
It was as if I was an animal blending in the environment whenever I felt like I was in a hostile area and I did that for consecutive years until I adapted new personalities from different sets of people.
As time went by, I learned new things about myself that I didn’t know before and I met different people who taught me how to love and accept myself. It made me a better person.
I eventually delved into the field that I really love which was visual art, music and literature.
It made me want to be a part of organizations and activities that could help in building a society where in no one feels unwanted. It made me realize who I really am as an individual.
Now that I was able to introduce myself, I guess it would be easier for you to understand where I am coming from. The following entries would show you a glimpse of my life.
I cannot guarantee you the accuracy of these stories but I can say that the way they were written was how the way they were to me.
Some entries also include the things that I like, ranging from the music that I listen to, to the random thoughts that my mind holds.
I am doing this because I feel like some parts of me are slipping away as I approach adulthood and I guess I don’t want that to happen.
I was once told that writing is a way of keeping things and I guess that is the reason why I am so driven to write about my life because I want to keep the people that I met and the moments that I shared with them in these entries. As I go on a hunt for the person that I have yet to become, I want to share with you the things that I never talk about.
I hope you don’t get bored with my stories.