I wanted to kill myself when I was 14.
I starved myself until my bones peaked through my skin like knives through a bag
My poor, tiny wrists were used like cheap cutting boards
I recovered. I wrote my mom a letter telling her I was scared so I started seeing a counselor at school and they sent me to a specialist
I was given the beautiful gift of perspective
Things at home became hard. He yelled a lot. I was used to it, but I was never at the receiving end and I couldn't breathe anymore
I don't know what happened but I remember giving a presentation to my class and how much I struggled to complete it
Summer came and relieved my lungs from the chains I found myself in
I don't know how to work you into the story but you wore a tacky striped shirt. I hated you the second I saw you.
It wasn't romantic but I paint it out to be because I don't know how to explain losing my virginity or how I even figured out why I got there..but I remember stressing over the bra I put on.
You left me on Sunday, March 10th, 2013
I wanted to kill myself when I was 15
She came into the mix somewhere along there and I didn't hurt then ... it didn't hurt anymore
I don'the remember where or when or what but I do remember her name escaping my salt covered lips
I cried for 240 days. Straight.
It fucking sucked.
I don't know what else to say about that
But she brought me light and then God gave me a life raft and I surfaced and the sun was on my face in that park and I blessed every day with a smile
We used to laugh on the water toget her. Braided each other's hair. Beaded bracelets. Secret hand shake. I loved you so much. I love the water now.
You met a boy and that's when the fire started because you left too. I was so hurt.
I was fine for a long time because I can't remember anything bad but I know at this point I had tried killing myself a few times. My scars healed and I took my bracelets off but I still...
Summer came and left but I don't remember anything except I fell in love with earth and even when everyone left me I had my trees to fall on.
Thank you, trees.
Bonfires and beer cans became an excuse to gather and my lips shimmered with pink gloss that made the rim if my drink sticky. I usually wasn't invited but I was okay again, and I went anyways.
I sat with you on the log and I guess you saw something in me. You kicked your friend out of his spot so I could sit closer to you. This was me experiencing 16.
A few months later he sent me a text saying "your smile lights up the room"
It turns out we had the same life. I knew my pain was now knowledge for him.
I was his life raft.
But you slipped away back into their hands and I watched the words drip out of your mouth. I couldn't believe you.
I fell back into my hole and it only got worse
My world cracked and everyone left me
Even her. My light. I had cracked the bulb and it wouldn't shine for me anymore
I wanted to kill myself when I was 17
I was a flaming suicide note with bad fashion sulking through the hallways.
I don't remember how I got through it but the water helped. The water helped a lot.
And honestly, if you'really still with me here reading you should know I've skipped over the details and my pain isn't really evident in these words
But guess what my dear readers,
I turned 18.
I turned 19.
I'm now on my way to 20.
Too much has happened in my life to tell you all of it.
but I can tell you how often I smile and how many times I'be fallen in love and I just snuck through my window after making out with a cute boy
Life is so mean but I promise you all, if you stay tuned I'll tell you all about mine. It'seems been pretty exciting.
I turn 20 in 155 days. That's a long time, but not as long as 240.