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greenleaf
greenleaf"oft hope is born when all is forlorn."
Autoplay OFF  •  10 months ago
a few aspects of my queer identity. (an attempt at poetry)

identify

a-s-e-x-u-a-l is:

when i am in eighth grade and

when i am in eighth grade and just discovering a whole world my

when i am in eighth grade and just discovering a whole world my parents had kept hidden from me

when i am in eighth grade and just discovering a whole world my parents had kept hidden from me until now

i spot a word that i thought i’d already known

i spot a word that i thought i’d already known but something compels me to read further

i spot a word that i thought i’d already known but something compels me to read further and the more i see the more i realize

“this is me”

and at last that odd feeling

and at last that odd feeling of being not quite the same as others

and at last that odd feeling of being not quite the same as others dissipates

and at last that odd feeling of being not quite the same as others dissipates because i learn that i am okay

and at last that odd feeling of being not quite the same as others dissipates because i learn that i am okay after all.

b-i-r-o-m-a-n-t-i-c is:

she is someone i first

she is someone i first met when we were in

she is someone i first met when we were in fifth grade and to this day

she is someone i first met when we were in fifth grade and to this day i cannot fathom what she

she is someone i first met when we were in fifth grade and to this day i cannot fathom what she sees in me

but whenever i sit with her in the same chair

but whenever i sit with her in the same chair and our shoulders press together

but whenever i sit with her in the same chair and our shoulders press together or we cram in the backseat of a car

but whenever i sit with her in the same chair and our shoulders press together or we cram in the backseat of a car on a four-hour nighttime drive

but whenever i sit with her in the same chair and our shoulders press together or we cram in the backseat of a car on a four-hour nighttime drive and she rests her head in my lap;

my legs could be going numb

my legs could be going numb or the plastic armrest dig into my side

my legs could be going numb or the plastic armrest dig into my side but i wouldn’t care

my legs could be going numb or the plastic armrest dig into my side but i wouldn’t care because i am with her.

q-u-e-s-t-i-o-n-i-n-g is:

sometimes i wonder why

sometimes i wonder why i have never been in a relationship

and i wonder why

and i wonder why some days i can be drowning in my

and i wonder why some days i can be drowning in my attraction to others but then the next day feel

and i wonder why some days i can be drowning in my attraction to others but then the next day feel nothing at all.

my mother laughs when i come out to her

my mother laughs when i come out to her and tells me i just don’t know what love is yet

my mother laughs when i come out to her and tells me i just don’t know what love is yet and maybe that’s true

but there is one thing that i am always learning

but there is one thing that i am always learning one thing that i know better than anyone else

but there is one thing that i am always learning one thing that i know better than anyone else and that thing is me.

i learn to trust my own judgement.

d-i-s-c-r-i-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n is:

someday

someday my father may never walk me down the aisle

yesterday

yesterday my mother told me she would accept me

yesterday my mother told me she would accept me “even if you are lesbian”

and yet

today

today she shuts me down and tells me

today she shuts me down and tells me “i don’t believe you”

i sneak to the theatres with a friend

i sneak to the theatres with a friend and we watch love, simon and

i sneak to the theatres with a friend and we watch love, simon and bawl our eyes clean when he comes out

i sneak to the theatres with a friend and we watch love, simon and bawl our eyes clean when he comes out and his mother tells him to

i sneak to the theatres with a friend and we watch love, simon and bawl our eyes clean when he comes out and his mother tells him to breathe

(my own mother will never tell me the same)

i scroll the blue cesspools of that h*llsite tumblr

i scroll the blue cesspools of that h*llsite tumblr and in the one community where there should be

i scroll the blue cesspools of that h*llsite tumblr and in the one community where there should be endless love

i scroll the blue cesspools of that h*llsite tumblr and in the one community where there should be endless love instead snaps back at me with teeth

(“you don’t belong”

(“you don’t belong” “you shouldn’t be here”

(“you don’t belong” “you shouldn’t be here” “i don’t believe that people like you can -”)

sometimes

sometimes in times like these

sometimes in times like these i can only back away

sometimes in times like these i can only back away get outside

sometimes in times like these i can only back away get outside breathe in the fresh clean air

sometimes in times like these i can only back away get outside breathe in the fresh clean air and tell myself

“you are enough”

and

“you belong.”

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