Evil and its Butler



Evil and its Butler script stories
  2
  •  
  0
  •   0 comments
Share

greenleaf
greenleaf"oft hope is born when all is forlorn."
Autoplay OFF  •  8 months ago
A supervillain plans to invade New York City. What could go wrong?

(a short stageplay parodying the "superhero and their butler" trope. warning: very silly.)

Evil and its Butler

(Lights on the living room of a large Victorian-style household, lavishly furnished. The butler, JEVONS, in a neatly-pressed uniform, dusts at a china vase with a long-suffering expression.

(Lights on the living room of a large Victorian-style household, lavishly furnished. The butler, JEVONS, in a neatly-pressed uniform, dusts at a china vase with a long-suffering expression. DOOM, a rich young man with dreams of supervillainy, strides in with all the confidence of a peacock.)

DOOM Almost finished, Jeeves?

DOOM Almost finished, Jeeves? JEVONS Nearly, sir, but my name is actually -

DOOM Almost finished, Jeeves? JEVONS Nearly, sir, but my name is actually - DOOM Perfect! Now everything is prepared for my plans to begin. We'll start with New York City, I think, and once we've gained control, we can proceed from there.

(DOOM is very pleased with himself. JEVONS looks uncomfortable, and debates his next words for several moments.)

JEVONS If I may say so, sir, starting with a city so large and affluent as New York could prove to be a significant challenge.

JEVONS If I may say so, sir, starting with a city so large and affluent as New York could prove to be a significant challenge. DOOM What?

JEVONS It seems to me that it may be easier, and indeed more tactful, to begin with smaller regions. A remote farming village in Iceland, for example, and working one’s way upwards.

DOOM Don’t be ridiculous. My plan is faultless.

DOOM Don’t be ridiculous. My plan is faultless. What’s the use of conquering remote farming villages in Iceland? I want to enter the world of villainy with a bang - to make my name known! What better place to begin with than New York?

DOOM Don’t be ridiculous. My plan is faultless. What’s the use of conquering remote farming villages in Iceland? I want to enter the world of villainy with a bang - to make my name known! What better place to begin with than New York? All the movies do it, after all.

(JEVONS is distressed by DOOM’s words.)

(JEVONS is distressed by DOOM’s words.) JEVONS But consider the military, sir, and law enforcement -

DOOM That reminds me. I need a name.

DOOM That reminds me. I need a name. JEVONS Sir?

DOOM That reminds me. I need a name. JEVONS Sir? DOOM A supervillain name. A name that can strike terror in the hearts of the masses. I was thinking something along the lines of - of Doctor Doom. Eh? How does that sound?

JEVONS I believe the name is already taken, sir, and -

JEVONS I believe the name is already taken, sir, and - DOOM Then too bad for them! The other Doctor Doom can’t possibly be as powerful as me.

JEVONS It’s not quite so simple, sir. The name is copyrighted. Doctor Doom is a famous character within the Marvel Comics.

JEVONS It’s not quite so simple, sir. The name is copyrighted. Doctor Doom is a famous character within the Marvel Comics. To claim it now, and in so public a way, could render you liable to severe lawsuits.

DOOM Oh. Well, we can’t have that. All the funding is going into weaponry and wardrobe. (Pause.) What do you think I should call myself then, Jeeves? “Mr. Doom” doesn’t quite cut it.

DOOM Oh. Well, we can’t have that. All the funding is going into weaponry and wardrobe. (Pause.) What do you think I should call myself then, Jeeves? “Mr. Doom” doesn’t quite cut it. How about “Sir Doom”? “Master Doom”? “Doom Esquire”?

JEVONS …I believe you are the one best suited to choosing your own title, sir. And on the topic of names, you have been addressing me erroneously -

(DOOM has taken out his phone and is tapping away furiously at the keys. He opens a website and gleefully shows the screen to JEVONS.)

DOOM Look at this, Jeeves! The Wikipedia page for English titles and honorifics offers tons of options for me to choose from!

DOOM Look at this, Jeeves! The Wikipedia page for English titles and honorifics offers tons of options for me to choose from! See - there are formal titles, professional titles, even royal titles… (He sighs wistfully.) So many choices, so little time. I guess I can choose a proper name later.

JEVONS Sir -

JEVONS Sir - (DOOM is still distracted by his phone.)

JEVONS Sir - (DOOM is still distracted by his phone.) DOOM What is it? Have you finished the dusting yet?

JEVONS Sir - (DOOM is still distracted by his phone.) DOOM What is it? Have you finished the dusting yet? JEVONS I - no, sir, I have not.

DOOM What are you waiting for, then?

DOOM What are you waiting for, then? JEVONS If I may say so, sir, a feather duster seems inadequate to the task of cleaning this entire house. This is the twenty-first century, after all.

DOOM What are you waiting for, then? JEVONS If I may say so, sir, a feather duster seems inadequate to the task of cleaning this entire house. This is the twenty-first century, after all. I would be able to complete my duties much more quickly in future had I, say, a vacuum cleaner.

(DOOM, a bit surprised, considers this.)

(DOOM, a bit surprised, considers this.) DOOM That is a good point. I’ll be sure to get you one the next time I go out. (He sighs again, more sadly.) A feather duster just feels so much more appropriate.

(DOOM, a bit surprised, considers this.) DOOM That is a good point. I’ll be sure to get you one the next time I go out. (He sighs again, more sadly.) A feather duster just feels so much more appropriate. Period-typical, you know? But functionality must prevail over aesthetic, I suppose.

JEVONS We all have our trials, sir. And, as I was saying, (he begins to speak quickly and more forcefully, trying to make his point) you have been calling me Jeeves, sir, and in that you are mistaken.

JEVONS We all have our trials, sir. And, as I was saying, (he begins to speak quickly and more forcefully, trying to make his point) you have been calling me Jeeves, sir, and in that you are mistaken. My name is Jevons. Jeeves is a character from a series of early twentieth-century novels written by P.G. Wodehouse.

JEVONS (cont.) The error has been made before by others, but I wished to make it clear that I am called Jevons, sir, not Jeeves.

(DOOM has not heard this spiel. He has sat down at a nearby desk with a laptop and is completely absorbed with its screen.)

DOOM Hm? Oh, good. Hey, Jeeves, did you know that they had vacuum cleaners back in the Edwardian era? They look hilarious! This one looks like something out of Star Wars.

DOOM (cont.) Maybe I can buy one of the really old ones off Craigslist or something - we could have both functionality while keeping the whole historical vibe! How about that?

JEVONS Sir -

JEVONS Sir - DOOM Oh - sorry, were you saying something?

JEVONS Sir - DOOM Oh - sorry, were you saying something? JEVONS …no, sir.

DOOM Really? I could swear you were talking just now.

DOOM Really? I could swear you were talking just now. JEVONS It was nothing, sir.

DOOM Really? I could swear you were talking just now. JEVONS It was nothing, sir. DOOM Alright, then, back to work. We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow!

JEVONS Yes, sir.

Stories We Think You'll Love 💕

Get The App

App Store
COMMENTS (0)
SHOUTOUTS (0)